Fear... not - Part 1

Nothing to Fear

Invisible. I like to be invisible. And yet, as a writer, I want my words to be heard, considered, quoted, remembered. I hide behind words, my identity wrapped in my thoughts but my body preferably secluded from show. Odd that I used to be an actress. Or perhaps not so odd, as I quit.

Seeking Reflection by Sarah Tun

Invisibility is, perhaps, a bi-product of fear. I prefer my own company out of habit, having chosen a profession that requires vast amounts of time in solitude in order to perfect the writing craft, and complete projects that, for the most part, are one-person jobs.

I like the company of friends; I even enjoy large gatherings from time to time. I'm not afraid of people, per se, though I do shy away from superficial conversation as I find myself self conscious and awkward with silences. But I am immobilized by fear, from time to time, challenged by change - the unknown - whether it's a new project (or digging deeper into one I'm working on) or facing new people.

Then I remember I have nothing to fear. Nothing to fear.

The opposite of fear is not courage. The opposite of fear is love. When we focus on fear, we do become immobilized. But when we focus on love, there is nothing we won't do to accomplish the task, as we are motivated by the desire to display or convey love to the person or situation we need to face. Love conquers all fear. Perfect love casts out all fear. When we love, whatever challenges we may face - real or imagined - become surmountable, necessarily because we need to show our love. Love is the motivating factor that enables us to face our fear and to overcome it.

So, as I sit by my computer, recognizing I need to go a lot deeper into a particular project (currently it's a novel I'm working on), I fear - failure, the unknown, success. But as I remember the people for whom I am writing, ministering, praying for - the audience I know needs to hear the voice of my character and read the thoughts and insights I want to convey - I overcome the immobilization I want to hide behind, and I begin to dig. I dig, not for fame or finance, nor for personal achievement. These motivators are not enough to enable me to take a risk, to face my fear. The one motivator that engages me to look into the mirror, and to overcome what holds me back, is love.

This is the first in a series about fear - identifying it, facing it, overcoming it.
I hope you'll also sign up for my signature newsletter, Soaring Post, through my website: www.LarusPress.com. The newsletter is free, weekly and particularly palatable and nutritious for Christians seeking to discover their purpose or deepen their identity in Christ.

Love Hearts by Sarah Tun

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.

See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

Security - Part 5

Guarantees:

There are few guarantees in this world. "The only sure things are death and taxes" used to be the cliche. That's a bit cynical but with divorce and unemployment on the rise, certainly some certainties are becoming less so in our Western Society.

If you Google 'security', the first items that come up have to do with financial planning. We put a lot of emphasis on money matters and give a lot of attention to acquiring, earning and managing money.

In 1929 when the stock market crashed some people who were wealthy on paper became impoverished literally over night. Some of those people jumped out of windows to their death because they couldn't cope with their loss. Their security lay in their financial circumstances and when that security was lost they were devastated.

And yet I would like to suggest that if we feel secure in ourselves - with the sense of who we are - whatever surprises life may throw at us will be less of a challenge to navigate. Furthermore, the more confident we are in ourselves the better our relationships will be. We will be better able to express and to listen to others. And effective communication has certainly been seen as the root of relationship success.

How do we become more confident in ourselves?
By spending quality time alone, discovering what we value, hope for and want most out of life.
By taking responsibility when we make mistakes and forgiving others when they make theirs, becoming less judgmental, more accepting and more transparent.
By reaching out, helping others in need and receiving help when we need it.

When I look at who I was as a young woman, how much I craved love and affection and put my emphasis on my yearnings, my decisions revolved around other people and having them satisfy my needs. I made bad choices, particularly in romantic love, because I had a need to be met and all my attention was on finding fulfillment in that. What I've come to realize is that when I am willing to give up my ambition and focus on what others need, my life is full of love, joy and far more value than if I clung to that one desire above all else.

Once I recognized my desires but gave up searching for them and instead began to see others and their needs, I became much more confident, contented and fulfilled. The fact is, what we think we want and what we really need can be quite different. Once we surrender our wish list, we can get on with living -- giving and receiving life and it's opportunities. Then we become enriched by the ebb and flow of existence, where the guarantee is that there will always be challenges that enable us to grow in character, personality and self awareness.

As for me, the irony is that once I gave up pursuing romantic love, it found me. I think that, when we enjoy where we are, rather than exist to find what we think we want, life is more fulfilling and the things which need to be are more likely to come into being.

The road ahead may not be certain but when we are comfortable in our own skin, the journey is far more pleasant.

Road Ahead by Sarah Tun

May you enjoy your week. And remember, before too long, this blog will morph into LarusBlog, a part of my website. You will still receive email notification or Google+ postings as you are now. The look and organization will be a little bit different, but it'll still 'me', examining, sharing, flying through life.

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.

See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

Security - Part 4

From Insecurity to Security

I've decided to re-post this series as a series about Security (as opposed to insecurity) - because it is my goal to encourage us all to walk in security... In security, we walk in the confidence that we are lovable and loved for who we are. Insecurity, on the other hand, is not having that sense of inner confidence.

To my mind, the pathway to absolute security comes from receiving unconditional love - love that loves no matter what shortcomings may be exposed. While I happen to believe we have a creator that made us, knows us and loves each one of us, some people may not want to look at that. So, I'm going to make a jump and look at what loving myself - unconditionally - looks like.

First, from my book, FREE to BE: Defeating Insecurity, Transforming Relationships, Building Character:
One afternoon, while sitting on my living room carpet, I was mentally beating myself up for having made a bad decision. It was habit for me to berate myself for days, or weeks, or even months, whenever I perceived I had made a mistake.  What triggered this occasion was a decision I’d made to decline a job offer.  I came to realize too late that I had turned away a blessing offered and missed a golden opportunity.  So, upon recognizing my "mistake", I began my usual lengthy emotional spiral into self-criticism and self-doubt, with an added touch of self-pity.

These interludes of self-torture will be familiar to anyone who tends to expect perfection.  In hindsight I see that it was a sign of pride.  I was surprised by my failure because I was over-confident about making decisions.  I fell short of my aspirations because I tried to prove myself and left God out of the equation.  Now by punishing myself for the decision I was still leaving God out of the picture.

When I first realized my mistake I was devastated.  I felt shame, regret and sorrow; I had worked hard only to miss an opportunity that had sprung from my effort and my prayer.  There is everything right with diligence, hard work and optimism.  However, my motive had been purely self-centred.  I suggest that to wrap our identity in achievement and to hope for success to the extent that our self-image and emotions hang on the result is prideful.  (It is also an example of acceptance-by-doing rather than of grace-by-being.) 

To know and to accept who I am, exclusive of result, is a new aim.  I have learned that my willing attitude and availability matters to God, and to leave the result up to Him.  This has taught me to be kinder to myself, to accept myself as I am today and to surrender that "self" to the Lord for His pruning. It has taken humility for me to accept my limitations, but in doing so, I have also become better at forgiving myself, and ironically, I have become a more capable person.  Learning to forgive myself has given me new freedom which has enabled me to think more clearly and to execute with more certainty. ((c) 2012, in conjunction with Essence Publishing, Belleville, ON Canada; Chapter 12)

I have learned to accept myself, with my weaknesses as well as my strengths. That's part of what unconditional love looks like. And in the journey to practicing self-acceptance guess what's happened? I've become much more accepting of others. Once I learned how to love myself, I was far less stingy with others.

So, in a nutshell, security hasn't come from capability and success but from knowing myself and accepting myself, warts and all.

Before signing off for this week, I'd like to notify you that soon - perhaps by the end of April - I will be moving my blog posting onto my updated website, www.laruspress.com (currently under reconstruction). This means the look of the blog will be different and how it's packaged will be too. BUT I will still send you a link through Google+. Or you'll be able to travel there at will and explore under blogs a lot of different channels for posts. Also, I'll be keeping sarahtunexaminelife.blogspot.com alive for a while, though there won't be any new posts there, once the website is up and running.

Hope you have a wonderful week.... 

You can purchase your copy of FREE to BE directly from Sarah or from Amazon.com (see www.freetobelaruspress.wordpress.com/get-the-book/ )

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.

See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

Security - Part 3

What is Unconditional Love?

Are you, like me, the sort of person who is sensitive to what others think or feel toward you? Sensitivity to others is a gift, so long as what they think doesn't impact your own sense of self worth. While it is valuable to be aware of others' attitudes, if our identity comes from what others think of us rather than what we know of ourselves, our own self-image can be quite shaken or damaged by another's disapproval.

Children love to please. And if they are pleasing to a parent, they will learn to feel good about themselves. The only problem with this is, what if they are not pleasing to a parent (or later to a teacher, relative, or friend)? From the very beginning of our lives, if we know we are loved "no matter what," we will begin to build a self image that is confident and secure. Knowing we are loved unconditionally, rather than based on our behaviour, success, or appearance, is at the root of our emotional security.

Learning to love unconditionally is a start to learning to receive unconditional love... Or is it the other way around?

I don't believe, personally, that there is anyone on planet earth today who is perfect. Lots of people are very nice, kind or at least well-intended. There are a lot of very smart people and very creative ones too - Leonardo da Vinci happened to be both! And a lot of people try very hard to make their mark in the world. For some, that's raising children, for others it means inventing something or making a lot of money. But what we do doesn't make us who we are.

When we are content with who we are, then we have peace of mind - in spite of circumstances around us.

Who of us doesn't want to be loved, not for what we do or achieve, but for who we are inside? Because deep down, we all must know that, if the money or fame or success goes away, will there be anyone cheering us on anyway, loving us and supporting us, regardless of our situation?

Security is knowing I am loved, unconditionally, for who I am. Security is accepting myself as I am, and aiming to be consistent, integral to who I am, even if someone else might disapprove. It isn't licence to be anything but the best we can be at patience, love, kindness, gentleness, self-control. But it isn't reprimand or shame when we aren't as good as we (or someone else) expect ourselves to be.

If you're familiar with the film, LOVE STORY you'll remember the classic line, 'Love means never having to say you're sorry.' Or if you've read enough PEANUTS cartoons you'll recall Lucy's "Psychologist is In" sign or Snoopy's placard that begins with: "Love Is..." We all have a take on what love is.

I think, "Love is... Unconditional". Real love doesn't stop if we don't achieve or fulfill expectations or behave perfectly. Real love is hard to find - and hard to practice. There are some relationships where love never fails, never gives up, wants only what's best for us. And when we have a taste of a relationship like that, we feel, believe and know we are loved. There is where our security truly lies.

We can find that sort of love in ourselves, in God, in parents, in partners, in friends.

To the extent I have experienced unconditional love, I've felt safe, secure, relieved. To the extent I've felt judged, even condemned, I've had to draw on the resource of unconditional love to help me through loneliness, disappointment, or self-berating. I've learned to recognize another's approval or their disapproval and not let it shake my self-concept as a person who is doing her best, always seeking to grow, love and learn more about life, joy and peace.

Although I've felt love and the pain of rejection, although I've fallen and picked myself up, my consistent resource for unconditional love is God, and He's never let me down.

Food for thought, 'til next time... 


Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.


See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

(In) Security - Part 2

Do I recognize Insecurity in myself?

The funny thing about insecurity is that it can be latent, buried under our every day interaction with others, and we may not even realize we live with it.

How many times have you seen someone dress or behave in a way you 'wish you could but don't dare?' Or have you never been concerned about someone else's impression of you, so that you behaved in a manner different from what seemed organic to you? I think most of us do modify our behaviour for the sake of the company we are in. Sometimes that's appropriate, like taking into account we are with elders, so we defer to them or behave in a more formal way. But sometimes containing our real thoughts or impulses is stifling and unnecessary, but we do it because we feel fearful or intimidated.

I strongly believe we are meant to live our lives in a state of peace, safe and confident within ourselves. And I suspect many of us appear far more confident to others than we feel inside of ourselves. (I've often been surprised when someone has commented on my 'obvious confidence' when actually I felt more like a jittery mass of formless goo than a pillar of strength.) I am motivated to write about insecurity because, for me at least, understanding the 'why's' of an issue or problem is half way to overcoming it. And I'd like every one to feel as secure as they are meant to be.

When I wrote my first draft of my first piece of non-fiction, originally entitled FIGHT INSECURITY AND WIN! I asked a friend if she'd read it with the view to having her endorse the book. She read it, she endorsed it. But what amazed us both was that she said until she had read the book, she hadn't realized she wrestled with insecurity personally.

Isn't that neat?

I'd asked a woman I'd known for years, a director of an organization and a manager of many people, if she'd read and endorse a book about overcoming insecurity, and when she read it, she discovered the subject was currently relevant to her personally. I find that exciting.

"Peace in this fast-paced and competitive world is desirable but rare. There are different kinds of peace -- peace from war, peace with neighbours, internal peace. The type of peace I refer to is peace of mind, which is anxiety's opposite. To be free from worry is to have peace." (from Preface, FREE TO BE: Defeating Insecurity, Transforming Relationships, Building Character by yours truly, aka Sarah Tun, in conjunction with Essence Publishing, Belleville, Ontario, Canada (c) 2012.

So, those of you who read this blog weekly, perhaps you'll think of friends, relatives or yourself as one who would benefit from journeying though your past and present, to ensure your future is full of peace. For some it may be usual, for others rare. But it is my hope that as we journey through this life, we grow to accept ourselves more and find greater and deeper peace as we do.

I had a nice break last week, but it's good to be back! Until next week, may you be very much enriched with each new experience.

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.

See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

Insecurity - Part 1

WHAT DO I MEAN BY INSECURITY?

Some fear is good, some fear is bad... If you're in the woods and it's getting dark and you hear coyotes howling, or you're in the bush and hear lions roaring, perhaps it's an occasion for healthy fear! On the other hand, if you are attending your high school reunion and you're worried that old friends may scrutinize you and find you of lesser value than they are, or you are dating someone whom you are trying to impress and are afraid s/he won't accept you just as you are, then you are demonstrating signs of insecurity.

Insecurity is based in fear. When we feel insecure, it is because we are afraid we won't get approval.

I'm the sort of person who is acutely conscious of other people's moods; I used to be afraid that, if those moods were negative, they were somehow linked to me. I am also sensitive; so in the past, I was generally emotionally on edge, based on the fear that I wasn't accepted or loved unconditionally. 

As a young person, I was incredibly insecure. I tapped into other people's negative feelings, and quite naturally took responsibility for them -- feeling as though I was at fault somehow. I'm sure contributing factors were that I didn't feel I fit in at home, or  that for 3 years I was bullied in elementary school, but for whatever reason, there was inside of me a longing for acceptance that I wasn't receiving in a way that I needed, and it controlled my attitude toward myself and my interactions with others well into adulthood.

I think what is common to all of us is that desire to be accepted and I think it's also common that, at one time or another, we don't feel we are accepted unconditionally, just for who we are.

But anything can produce a good outcome. What matters to me is the person I become, in spite of and because of my experiences, which includes adversity. I confess, I've had to work hard to stop being a slave to my own fear.... it took me years to break the habit of trying to project a perfect image on the one hand and feeling I was doomed to fail, on the other. A change in my thinking had to occur. Now, my attitude is no longer one of fear but of acceptance - of myself and of my circumstances. Now, I am enthusiastic, even in challenging relationships, knowing all experience is part of what shapes me into the person I was created to be. 

It seems to me worthwhile to write about the discoveries I've made during my journey to find security and inner confidence.

What do I mean by confidence? I mean that sense of inner peace and assurance that, in spite of shortcomings, I accept myself and live and relate from that place.

What do I mean by insecurity? I mean  that sense of discomfort and fear, because we're unsure that we're accepted, or even loved, for who we really are. 

When we value ourselves, we exude confidence and comfort that we may otherwise feel we have to earn.

Insecurity: In order to find the richness and hope that life has to offer, I have chosen to face mine and have learned to overcome. I look forward to sharing some of my journey with you. And I hope you'll feel drawn to share some of yours with me.

Until ... two week's time... I'll be back on Thursday 20th as I'm taking some family time (here in Canada it's March Break!).

Friends and Me at London Eye 

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.


See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

My "Perfect" Life - part 5

One of the earliest memories I have

Snow: merely a memory in the month of June (northern hemisphere)

is a snowy winter day when I was 5. For better or worse, I'm actually quite proud of this one. Picture winter in Northern Ontario with snowbanks high on every street corner,  snow-covered lawns, prints of brave feet having trudged through deep snow everywhere.

Then picture a motley band of children trudging home in their bulky outdoor clothes after a typical school day... back in the days when I was a child we were not bussed 3 blocks but we walked...  children of all ages from 5 to 13 were slip-sliding their way home through a neighbourhood of cold and snow.

As I walked up the hill from my school, there was a nasty boy in grade six one block ahead of me, instructing small children to jump into a yard that was on such a slope that surely meant the children would be snow-logged as they scrambled back to the sidewalk, and damp and chilled by the time they got home.

I steeled myself to engage with this guy it seems...

"Go into that snowbank!" he commanded me when it was my turn to be shouted at.

"You can't tell me what to do," I retorted and continued my march up the hill toward home.

He did not stop me.

Perhaps this boy had a strange sense of humour, and didn't actually intend to be bullying the small children. Or perhaps my comeback shocked him. Or maybe he took more interest in the next passing child. But I did not have a soggy walk home that day, and to this day I remember that moment clearly. In fact, that is a moment that assures me I had oodles of confidence when I was small.

Now, I've got a fair bit of confidence too, which I talk about in my book about building self-esteem (FREE TO BE) . However, in my life it seems there was a huge gap between the childhood confidence I once had and the acquired confidence I had to work to develop. This lovely memory has been useful to hold onto. And particularly at times when I have sought to discover my identity and develop my character through the difficult teen and twenties years, I've found it comforting to recall the boldness I was born with.

Are there moments that you have to 'hold onto' when you doubt yourself or your ability? Is there something in your past that guides you to understand your character? What do you remember most about those early years that gives you confidence in yourself?

I'd love to hear from you.

Until next Thursday...