Insecurity - Part 1

WHAT DO I MEAN BY INSECURITY?

Some fear is good, some fear is bad... If you're in the woods and it's getting dark and you hear coyotes howling, or you're in the bush and hear lions roaring, perhaps it's an occasion for healthy fear! On the other hand, if you are attending your high school reunion and you're worried that old friends may scrutinize you and find you of lesser value than they are, or you are dating someone whom you are trying to impress and are afraid s/he won't accept you just as you are, then you are demonstrating signs of insecurity.

Insecurity is based in fear. When we feel insecure, it is because we are afraid we won't get approval.

I'm the sort of person who is acutely conscious of other people's moods; I used to be afraid that, if those moods were negative, they were somehow linked to me. I am also sensitive; so in the past, I was generally emotionally on edge, based on the fear that I wasn't accepted or loved unconditionally. 

As a young person, I was incredibly insecure. I tapped into other people's negative feelings, and quite naturally took responsibility for them -- feeling as though I was at fault somehow. I'm sure contributing factors were that I didn't feel I fit in at home, or  that for 3 years I was bullied in elementary school, but for whatever reason, there was inside of me a longing for acceptance that I wasn't receiving in a way that I needed, and it controlled my attitude toward myself and my interactions with others well into adulthood.

I think what is common to all of us is that desire to be accepted and I think it's also common that, at one time or another, we don't feel we are accepted unconditionally, just for who we are.

But anything can produce a good outcome. What matters to me is the person I become, in spite of and because of my experiences, which includes adversity. I confess, I've had to work hard to stop being a slave to my own fear.... it took me years to break the habit of trying to project a perfect image on the one hand and feeling I was doomed to fail, on the other. A change in my thinking had to occur. Now, my attitude is no longer one of fear but of acceptance - of myself and of my circumstances. Now, I am enthusiastic, even in challenging relationships, knowing all experience is part of what shapes me into the person I was created to be. 

It seems to me worthwhile to write about the discoveries I've made during my journey to find security and inner confidence.

What do I mean by confidence? I mean that sense of inner peace and assurance that, in spite of shortcomings, I accept myself and live and relate from that place.

What do I mean by insecurity? I mean  that sense of discomfort and fear, because we're unsure that we're accepted, or even loved, for who we really are. 

When we value ourselves, we exude confidence and comfort that we may otherwise feel we have to earn.

Insecurity: In order to find the richness and hope that life has to offer, I have chosen to face mine and have learned to overcome. I look forward to sharing some of my journey with you. And I hope you'll feel drawn to share some of yours with me.

Until ... two week's time... I'll be back on Thursday 20th as I'm taking some family time (here in Canada it's March Break!).

Friends and Me at London Eye 

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.


See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

Forgiveness - Conclusion (Part 8)

There are so many things that can be said about forgiveness.

I expect I could go on for many more weeks, discussing, explaining, citing examples. But I feel I've touched on enough to come to my point of raising the question: Why forgive? Why is it so important?

To me, it's alien not to forgive, but that in itself is only an aspect of my personality or an expression of opinion. I think there's far more value in forgiveness for all of us, that goes far deeper than a particular incident or relationship.

I believe we have an inner core. When we choose not to forgive, that inner core hardens.

We have a heart that is a piece of flesh that pumps blood through our systems. But I believe we also have a non-material 'heart' that defines who we are. There is a non-physical part of us, where we are vulnerable, sincere, genuine, the place in our being where what really matters to us resides. When we have been hurt we are understandably tempted to protect that inner core - it's only natural; we don't want to be hurt again. But in protecting that part of us that is so delicate, we can put up barriers to keep hurt out. In so doing, we also make it difficult for our true selves to live, breathe, express.

Apart from being unforgiving because we have been hurt, there is also the aspect that if another person has done wrong, he should face consequences. I believe this is true. But if those consequences includes our judging them, we are really hurting ourselves. I happen to read the Bible, where it says, 'don't judge or else you'll be judged.' I understand this to imply a few different things but the one thing I'll address here is this:

There is self-interest in forgiveness, maybe it's even selfish. Forgiveness is healthy.

When we forgive, we are letting go of an issue and living in the present rather than in the past. When we forgive, we are keeping ourselves soft so that our faith and trust in people can be restored through other - better - relationships. When we forgive, we place all of the judgment we are putting on the other person to the courts, or onto their own conscience. When we don't forgive the opposite is true: by keeping that antagonism alive, we are hardening ourselves.

It is ironic that when we are unforgiving we may think we are holding the other party to account for a wrongdoing. In actual fact, we are holding ourselves to account for the relationship and trapping ourselves in the past.

Forgiveness and trust are not the same. Forgiving someone doesn't mean we blindly trust them again. It does mean not personally holding them to account for what damaging thing they have said or done. It means not having expectations or demands or requests that they fulfill. Forgiveness sets us free from the one who has caused us hurt or pain.

Of course there is risk involved in forgiving and opening ourselves to the future. We may get hurt again, in fact, we can almost guarantee that we will. But we will be wiser from the experience, and not fall as hard the next time. Trying to prevent being hurt again by holding on to the anger or bitterness will prevent joy as well.

I spoke last week about my mother, who died of cancer. She was a person who was deeply disappointed in me and in many aspects of life. She was, in many ways, a bitter person, because she was unforgiving. Unforgiveness is a kind of cancer. I'm not saying that cancer is caused by a lack of forgiveness and I'm not saying that by practicing forgiveness you can prevent cancer. But I do believe that had my mother been a forgiving person, she may have been a healthier person, not only emotionally but physically as well.

"The Sound of Silence" is a song from the sixties, by Simon and Garfunkel. In that song is the line, 'Silence like a cancer grows'. The silence between people, when hurt and blame have occurred, grows. And in that growth, we can so easily nurture our hurt and feed our blame. It is so much healthier to give that pain and blame away, so that it doesn't feed on us anymore.

So, what do we do if we choose to forgive? Where do we send our pain? How do we express the forgiveness? Sometimes it isn't even possible to speak or to write to the person who has hurt us. Sometimes it is unwise to confront them, as they could harm us.

Just as we choose to forgive to set ourselves free, we live through the pain - the temporary pain - in order to heal. And we do heal, so that life can continue in all its richness. That's what I believe. It's what I try to practice. I've been hurt, but I've been healed. And life continues to be rich and full of hope. For me it's been a journey. But one I wouldn't trade.

Next time I'll start a new series, about Insecurity. Because in my case, through the experiences I lived combined with the sort of person I am, I developed insecurities from a young age. In order to find the richness and hope that life has to offer, I have chosen to face them and have overcome.

Until next Thursday....


Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.

See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

Faithful Heart: In What Do We Put Our Faith So Love Can Grow?

Sarah Tun "Two Hearts"

How do you define a faithful heart?

It is Valentine's Day! Do you believe in love? Romance? Do you put your faith in romantic love?

Whatever we believe in and hope for, that is the place where we put our effort and our trust. For example, I believe hard work earns its own reward; so, I work hard believing it will yield me benefit. I also believe in loyalty, so I'm loyal to others, believing others in turn will be loyal to me.

I think that whatever we believe dictates, in significant measure, our attitudes and our actions.

So, when we put our trust in romance or marriage, do we not put our effort toward engaging in romantic love? We do this because we believe it will bring us something we desire, like happiness and a sense of being loved. But is this the same as loving another person?

When it comes to matters of the heart, certainly we can't have a relationship with a concept. We must have a person to love in order for there to be love, right? But I believe we are able to put our hopes into an idea - or an ideal - so that we become attracted to love while believing we are attracted to another person. For example, we can desire love in our lives so much that we 'fall in love' with the idea of romance until that desire for romantic love  propels us into a romantic relationship. I think loving the 'idea' of love or romance is natural, but I also believe we can confuse this desire for love with love for another person. If we do that, it can create all sorts of problems.

Love, romance or marriage can't happen in a vacuum. Love takes two people - a relationship - in order to bloom. If both people are committed to each other and want the best for each other, love grows. But if the ideal of love is what matters more than the needs and passions of the other person, then when the differences arise between these two people - and they invariably will - there might be very little depth or selflessness to hold the relationship together.

I remember a particular situation when I was a teenager. There was a guy I hadn't taken any notice of who asked me out. I said, "yes". He was attractive and pleasant but we had nothing in common. I see that clearly now and I think I even saw it then. But the potential for 'love' caused me to give a lot of weight to the possibility of dating him a second time. I give him credit because he didn't ask me out again and eventually, my infatuation or curiosity faded and I no longer thought about him. But for a short time, I keenly considered dating him... not because I was keen on him but rather because I was focusing on having an object to love. I wanted love and romance, and he became a target to think about.

Is that why so many girls have crushes on pop singers?!

For love to grow, we need to put our faith in it. But what love is worthy of our faithfulness? I've learned to have faith in the love that is responsive and has an excellent track record: my faith is in my family, my creativity and in my God.

I think without faith we shrivel and without love we despair. Without faith there can be no hope but,

     "Hope deferred makes the heart sick."  (Proverbs 13:12)

So we need to hope in love. But we need to be both discerning in where we place our love and faithful in our giving of it.

In whom have you placed your love? Are you being loved in return? If so, be grateful. And if not, consider: where is your faith? Never mind the concept of religious faith. Start with faith in someone you can trust. It may not be romantic love but it will be secure and lasting. As a tiny grain of mustard seed grows into a tree, a little bit of well-placed faith will grow an awesome result.*

Sarah Tun "Embrace" and Vase

* You can explore more about this at:
bit.ly/U3LFmE 

NEXT SCHEDULED BLOG POST: Thursday 28th February TOPIC: Desires of the Heart