My "Perfect" Life

Imagine a perfect world in which to grow up: it is an idyllic world where your physical needs are provided. You never go hungry, have attractive clothes to wear and your mother and father are married and seem to love each other. You know from an early age that education is important and that whatever post secondary education you will desire will be made available. The country is Canada, where the true north is indeed 'strong and free'. Your world encourages freedom of speech, religion and politics.

Now imagine such a world where there is no sense of being loved, of belonging, or of being taken seriously. Suddenly, you are in the world in which I grew up. Children are to be seen and not heard, integrity is only expected in the adult world, and behavior is criticized but never corrected.

I loved my parents, now both deceased. I loved them enough never to have composed the stream of thought I'll compose here because it would have angered them. Interesting I don't say 'it would hurt them.' I would not write if it would hurt them either, but I'm not sure it is possible I ever hurt them. I'm not sure they liked me enough to be hurt. Rather, they disliked me enough to get angry with me.

In my head are many random stories. Each of them are true. How do I compile a series of vignettes that will best encapsulate my family history? And why do I do it? These are the questions I must ask myself as a writer.

As this is a blog, I think I'll provide one story at a time, randomly at first. Perhaps something will begin to take shape and from that I'll design a more structured approach.

As to why I do it? It seems fitting to write about my life given I've entitled this blog "A Life Examined". I'm aware as I write now that my tone is a bit clipped and my mood remote. Perhaps I'm a bit nervous about writing to the world; perhaps I'm a bit anxious I'll fail. I know I'm not angry with my parents or my sister. I'm just wary of what I'm about to do... to share my journey in order to capture another's interest.


The first story has just two characters, my mother and me. It isn't even a story really, but a moment in time. It begins with my mother raising her hand to me and stopping. I was about 9. I remember I'd done something wrong - I don't know what but I'm certain I knew at the time - and she was really cross. She raised her hand and our eyes met. I was scared she was going to hit me and that fear must have been written all over my face. She looked at me, her hand suspended in the air and said, "Some day I'm going to hit you." (she never had up to that point, that I can remember, nor ever did)

The moment passed. I guess she walked away. There was no hit, but no hug either. No physical contact of any kind.

I was not punished for whatever I'd done. I expect she showed compassion, or tried to, by not spanking me. But she didn't teach me, correct me or help me to learn from whatever I'd done that I shouldn't have done it. Interesting that I remember the moment of eye contact and fear, but not what I'd done to cause her anger. Was it good for me as a child, to live in a house where my mother never spanked me? Certainly to have no consequence for bad behaviour was not ideal.

It was the '60's and Dr Spock and such teaching was that you should not spank a child and a child will work things out for themselves. Well, I didn't. Perhaps others did.

It's stories like this that I'll write about. It's stories like this that make me feel sad about how I grew up: completely disjointed from my mother, who lacked confidence, and from my father, who was emotionally shut down.

I grew up in one of the biggest houses on the street, with educated parents and a very brainy sister. I had music lessons and at 6, when I had trouble with reading, my mom helped me until I could read. But inside myself I was alone, lonely and torn between over confidence and under confidence, because I felt no love.

I have love now in my own family. I'm very blessed. And I'm grateful for my history, because it's made me who I am now. But every little experience as a child has the potential to bear significant impact on life as a whole. Perhaps I'm writing to help you to tap into your memories, to see how they've impacted you - for better or worse - and to help you to grow beyond them. Perhaps I'm writing to parents who struggle with parenting, or to siblings who struggle with sibling relationships. Perhaps I'm writing to daughters and sons who have parents who are aging and there is unsettled business between them. Whoever I'm writing to, I'm hoping my words will be read, and the words will help to make our relationships better, while we are still on the earth. I shall write again next Thursday. (Is it Thursday's child that's full of woe??)

me, sitting in my back garden

An Extra Post Today

So last week I was concerned I'd run out of purpose! But a few encouraging comments and a bit of time have passed and you'll have noted I wrote a new blog post today. BUT not only that, I've a notion to begin an autobiography next week... right here... to encourage transparency, exploration and joy!

See you next week!!

me

What's Most Valuable to Me

My most treasured possessions aren't possessions at all but people - my husband and my son. I rank only God above them for it is through Him that I 'live and move and have my being.'

Hubby and Son

What motivates me is a desire to see every person actualized to be the person he or she was created to be. That is probably because it was such hard work for me to figure me out. I include those closest to me but also those whom I've never met.

My personal aim is to contribute to the beauty that is already on the earth. I can't sculpt or paint. I can sing a 'mean' song but unless it is recorded seriously - i.e. professionally - my existence and contribution to the world as a singer has too narrow an audience to make any impact. So I write. Some projects are long-standing - novels or personal growth books. But some are quick quips and responses to the messages of others.

I've discovered there is much beauty in the Social Network - though there is much that is ugly also. I dwell on the beauty - of strangers reaching out to strangers - not out of lust or personal gain but simply to make a connection and to prove that life, the earth and its people are able to care without personal gain.

I've developed a quip of an acrostic: SOAR = See Over All Repression. I believe if we elevate our perspective we can see above and beyond what is in the now and make an impact for change in our personal lives. Who knows! Maybe as we live and promote SOAR others will be led to copy. (The second hand market for wisdom and advice really ought to be tapped more thoroughly.) Anyway, whether we see the perspective as flight or as walking on water, as we practice, we overcome the oppression that has tried to stifle us. It is a miracle-in-the-making that we are able to become free of all that emotional, psychological baggage, and be who we were meant to be all along. Millions of people wrestle with feelings of low self-esteem. But we have already got the means for sanity, and that is through Jesus. My way through the morass has been prayer, God's Word and the help of the Holy Spirit, the comforter. I write, I read, I pray, I wait.

Then I post pictures to represent the journey I've completed.

I post pics of seagulls in particular. I watch seagulls in flight. I had a chat with one today and he seemed to 'get' what I had to say. He paused, tilted his head, before flying away to another busy opportunity to eat. For me the seagull represents the freedom to which we all aspire and the perseverance we need to survive.

I have found that when I dwell on the positive, and see all things as under the sovereignty of God, then I have peace in spite of chaos and discomfort. And to share insight or point of view from that optimistic perspective is really the best I can offer others. As time unfolds and a cause to a problem rises to the surface, what better way to deal with it than through prayer and conversation with trusted friends.

My aim is to SOAR in everything and if I can enrich others through this then my work is a success.
Come Holy Spirit, lead me into all truth and enable me to see far above my circumstances in order to see clearly and to make the best of this situation.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

Sometimes we feel like tiny specks but from our elevated viewpoint we are made wise.

SPEECHLESS

Have you ever wanted to say something but weren't quite sure how to put it? (Aren't bloggers supposed to know precisely what tidbit they have to offer and how to express it?!) Over the past few months I've discovered some wonderful blogs - insightful, well written, heart wrenching (see 'Blogs I follow' links). I'm grateful to my blogging buddies for 2 things: beautiful blog posts and enriching relationship.

Well, this may be my swan song post for this blog because I've discovered something in going weekly:
I'm stunned at what little I have to say of any significance.

I strive to sow positive thoughts and perspective into a world that seems to be spinning out of control... I like to plan and wrestle against being too controlling in my personal life, but the busyness of we folks nowadays seems dizzying! So, I tweet and post to encourage reflection and a positive attitude to whatever comes our way in a day.

As to content of a more significant nature, I seem to be at a standstill today. I am blessed with a loving family: an affectionate son, a hubby that is my best friend, a peaceful home (see the pic of my backyard) and while life isn't perfect (we've no income at present) it is blessed. Good things are ahead: my step daughter has just become engaged to a lovely young man, I'm bound for a short term missions trip with 3 others from my church, I'm in midstream in the writing of an exciting book for girls.

Perhaps unless there is conflict there is little to say. Oh, I don't aspire to conflict! Perhaps I'll just be thankful for the blessings I have and wonder at what I might write about next week.....

Sarah Tun "My Backyard"

LIVING A LIFE WITH PURPOSE

When I was in grade eight I remember the teacher, Mrs Lindsay, asking 'Why are we born?'

I remember most of the answers as she went around the room were, "to get married" or "to die."
I said, "to learn". She must have liked that (well, any teacher would, right?) because she asked me,
"Who told you that?"
I said, "No one. It's just what I think."

I still think that. Only I think the best mentor is Jesus. I didn't know that in eighth grade.

I haven't been particularly cagey about my faith in this blog, but I've also not been too outspoken either, because I want this blog to be accessible to anyone and not to shut some folks out because I'm preachy or 'religious'. That's pretty much how I live life too... I believe in and love the Creator God - YAWEH, and His son Jesus, and I am blessed to know something of His Holy Spirit. Growing in this Faith has been my purpose for over half of my life... and before that I struggled with low self-esteem, loneliness, hypocrisy. It took some years being a Believer before I overcame the struggles, and life still throws curves I don't expect, but I've learned to be grateful for the curve balls and to trust God is in those too. After all, for me personally, I'm here to learn, and challenge and surprise are good learning tools. But I digress...

I want to write about living with purpose because I've been reading a book called The Real Face of Atheism by Ravi Zacharias and he describes the despair that Atheism leads to ... inevitably. He discusses what I've been suspecting. At the root of the teen/twenty-something generation today is a despair, that is rooted not in joblessness but in the barrenness of a life view that suggests life is random, accidental.

I believe we are all brought to this earth for a purpose, both individually and corporately. To say we are here to glorify God may annoy those without that Faith; fair enough. But to say we each are unique and have gifts to develop and share can perhaps resonate with anyone. That's what I believe.

I think there is right and wrong, I believe in absolutes, I trust in a Creator who is sovereign and loving. But apart from all of that, I believe when we have purpose in our lives we find incentive, joy and hope. And without that, I too would despair.

So, for the youth of today I hope we can give them a break and not push Atheism or religion, but hope... and faith... to encourage them to search for Truth. That will give them the freedom to form a world view that gives purpose to this world and so to them, as creatures in it.

On Divorce and Friendship

I have more than one friend going through a divorce right now. Perhaps it is because I went through it thirty years ago, or more likely it is just that I try hard to listen, but I mourn for my friends and yet I encourage them too. Divorce is an awful course, and it is very sad when two people who once looked so hopeful into their future together finally say the pain is greater than the hope and we must stop.

I expect that nowadays there are some people who enter into marriage lightly -- optimistic for the future but not thoughtful enough or aware enough of the hardships to come. But many, many people enter into marriage for life and it turns out for one or both of them to be a 'life sentence'. For those, I think divorce may well be the only option. I have not come to this conclusion lightly.

I am writing as a follower of Christ. I believe Jesus, though advising against divorce, grieves more the abused woman's case than a broken marriage. If a partner is violent, addicted, or willfully abusive habitually and is unrepentant or does not wish to change, I cannot believe that Christ would have us stick to the letter of the law when the spirit of the marriage is broken. If he wanted the letter of the law, surely he would have condemned 'the woman caught in adultery.'

I also believe that this time in the Church's history is a most challenging one. We are called to exhort one another and to love one another at a time when society is dancing to the tune of self-centered hedonism; the world seems to condone many actions that are not Biblical. How should an observing believer then, approach a sister or brother disillusioned with marriage and broken in spirit? To come along side another who is grieving the breakdown of a marriage may be a difficult thing for some who believe there is no room for divorce, but 'if we are as a clanging symbol and have not love we are nothing.'

Marriage is a partnership. What if one partner categorically refuses to make an effort? Do you think Jesus didn't know he created a conundrum when he said there is no room for divorce except in the case of adultery? But was he referring to both women and men, or only to men? It was, after all, a male dominated society.

At the heart of everything Jesus taught is one word: Love. Love and marriage are ALWAYS worth saving. But if one partner is abusive or unwilling to take equal responsibility for the marriage, would Jesus say the other must love alone? "Greater love has no man than this: to lay down one's life for his friend." If each in a marriage cannot or will not lay down his life for the other, then I personally do not believe the other should live for the rest of his/her life condemned to a loveless relationship. I do not believe that is what Jesus taught and those who seek to enforce this miss the heart of the gospel.

Jesus came to set us free from sin and death. Abusive relationships are both emotionally and literally deadly. While I do not condone divorce, I do not think it loving to condemn those who feel they must enter into it. Rather, I believe we are called to love one another and in the name of love, I seek to encourage us to do that wholeheartedly and without condemnation toward one another.

I would greatly appreciate your thoughts and theology on this issue. Please will you offer your insights as you feel led to share?

Next Post: Thursday 25th April

Here will be a piece of life's journey in the springtime of our existence.

KEEP ON TRUCKIN'

keep on truckin'

What is perseverance? It's focusing on the job at hand and continuing when it isn't easy to do so.

I love red vehicles. But I never owned one until recently... now I own two. In the past, whenever I was going to buy a car, I wanted to choose red but for one reason or another, it never happened. Then finally, my husband said, 'get the red one even though it's more expensive'; so I did. I drive a small red SUV. He recently bought this lovely red truck. He wanted the truck and bought red for my benefit. He demonstrated something in all of this: if you really want something, it's worth having, so don't give up!

When I was a kid I was made to take piano lessons. Sure I would have liked to have been able to play well, but I did not. My older sister played brilliantly. My biggest mistake was quitting but my second biggest mistake was comparing myself to her.

Comparison is perhaps the worst enemy to achievement, because when we compare we aren't looking at the goal or even at our own progress but at someone else.

My young son is involved in competitive gymnastics. The program and coaching are excellent. One of the best things about the club is that the children on our team don't compare themselves with each other but rather the goal is for each kid to do his best. There are criteria, with set routines, so there is a standard to reach. Individual performances at competitions are scrupulously graded, and the best kids win. BUT while there are medal winners and those who don't win, each kid within the team is encouraged to progress based on what he can do if he works hard and tries hard and faces challenges with a good attitude. Improvement is what matters most to our coaches, and not the medals. In fact, the kids in our club are so secure in their environment that they did win quite a lot of 'stuff' at their competitions, but they did so without comparing to one another within their team, or looking at other athletes as though they are 'the competition'. I think all of life should be led like that!

Looking at someone's progress rather than our own is a killer to success. If I had focused at my own progress in piano, I might have enjoyed myself a lot more. More importantly, I would have stuck with it and although I would probably not have become a concert pianist I would have been able to play. I certainly have had many regrets because I quit when I was 12.

Sometimes quitting is common sense. But mostly, when we find ourselves in a situation that is hard work, it is an opportunity to grow in character by going forward, even if it's only one little step at at time. Just because something is uncomfortable or hard is not a reason to give up.

There is that saying, 'When the going gets tough, the tough get going.' Looking back over my choices, there are one or two things I wish I'd quit sooner because I wasted my time investing. But there are many more things I gave up on that I wish I'd persevered with. I have learned the hard way, that character is built through effort and experience. One challenge overcome always prepares us for the next. Life is hard, and facing challenges is inevitable. But the more character we've developed through our past experiences, the more we 'toughen up'. And as we grow stronger, the challenges become more demanding and therefore, more interesting. Giving up is a step toward the mundane; persevering is the pathway to adventure! That may not be the reason to keep going, but certainly it is incentive!

I plan to be here with a new post next week: Thursday 25th April.

Next Post: Thursday 18th April - PERSEVERANCE

A Life Examined goes weekly - every Thursday from 18th April

This week's topic: keep on Truckin' (i.e. perseverance)

On Being a Writer: writer's block.. authorship and other ruminations

Artists, be they writers, painters or dramatists must perform their art or be less than they were made to be. We are by nature:

"One equal temper of heroic hearts
 Made weak by time and fate but strong in will
 To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield." (from Ulysses, Alfred, Lord Tennyson)

I must be a writer because it's official, I have now experienced 'writer's block'.

Sometimes I have an idea to write about, but I stare at the keyboard without knowing where to begin.
Sometimes I've not even got an idea, though silly expressions roll inside my mind, aching to be expressed but without a platform on which to stand.
And now, lacking clarity, I'll simply 'dive in and see where the tide takes me...'

I haven't always wanted to be a writer. In 2000 I felt 'called' to write. I wrote a novel, a bad one. Perhaps there is enough of character and plot in it to construct a short story, but the same theme erupts from me every now and then, expressed through different characters or a different plot, so I've never gone back to the original one.

My first book was published last year. I began to write it in 2004, during a flight from Turkey to the UK... about a 2 1/2 hour flight. In that time I had the outline from start to finish and a few striking phrases. I completed the first draft, shelved the book, wrote a second in 2007, and went back to tidy, re-write and complete. It was released in 2012.

There was a moment, sometime after I'd completed the index and just before approving the final proof, where my nerve endings tingled and I realized, "I'm an author!"

Nothing will take that away from me. Not mediocre sales, not lack of an agent, not dubious comments. So far, I've not sold a zillion of copies of FREE TO BE, and I've not yet sought an agent  (launching a website and drafting other books have taken priority over seeking out a very much wanted and urgently needed agent), and I've only had positive comments. But regardless of how good, bad or indifferent folks may respond to my book, I'm an author and it feels good!

So I'd like to emphasize to all readers: if you need to write, write. Likewise, if you need to paint, act, compose, sing or dance, make the time. Creativity is life's expression of individuality. It's an essential part of being human (how many books have been written by dogs, how many sculptures created by cats...??) It's one way, perhaps the best way, of expressing our uniqueness.

It's best to do a good job, to create well... but even tatty interior design or confused poetry is better than no design or poetry at all.  And practice is the road to perfection. Artists never seem to manage perfection (Van Gogh was never satisfied with his work), but we strive and through our efforts the output improves.

So, my writer's block is a rung up the ladder just like falling off a horse is a sign of improved horsemanship. We can't improve but with failure. So to myself and to all I say, keep going...
The flashing cursor will one day give way to a new story.

(LOOK HERE: bit.ly/11mXDIz For some really cool tips from famous writers in history)
(LOOK HERE: bit.ly/Zj2Ddn For my FREE TO BE website)

Me with my first book FREE TO BE at a public reading

Next Post: Thursday 18th... I'm going weekly!!

NEXT POST: Tomorrow - Thursday 11th April - topic?

Tomorrow never dies - there will always be a 'tomorrow', even when a writer is lost for words (or ideas) tomorrow will come....

Feeling adrift without an idea... but my ship will come in and the idea will come!

Rivers of Water Run from my Eyes

There's an adage that says 'youth is wasted on the young'. Well, I don't agree with that. I think that the inspiration that we have in our youth carries us all the way into old age if we allow it to... We need the enthusiasm, hope, vivacity and idealism that accompanies inexperience, naivety and innocence.

But if I had been wiser in my youth, I would have made some different choices, and found meaning and significance by walking the walk of Faith.

This brief post is my contribution to a universal effort to bring more people into the Kingdom of God.

I always had faith in Jesus as the Son of God and that he was good, kind and true. Until I reached my mid-twenties though, I never connected Jesus to any description I had of God. To me, God was more like my own father: honest and intelligent, powerful and hard-to-please, severe and emotionally  unavailable.

Now, I believe God is both just and loving, omnipotent and forgiving, accepting and very much emotionally available. When I (finally) made the connection between Jesus and God, I extended my journey into faith and was released from a whole lot of pain I'd held from childhood. Even now my journey continues. But one thing I encourage in others, regardless of youth or age: connect the dots... Jesus is God's son and as such, shows us the personality of the Father. The reverse is also true: God gave his son Jesus to us so that we could learn from him much more about the heart of God.

When we run to Him, just as would any good father, He embraces us. When we run from Him, He weeps, because He loves us and He knows without Him we will make choices that are harmful to us.

"Rivers of water run down from my eyes because men do not keep your law." The psalmist wept because people did not uphold God's principles. But God weeps too, because in breaking those principles His children hurt themselves. God longs to be with us even when He isn't invited -- to comfort the wounded child.

Sarah Tun "River in Israel"

God is love, personified in Jesus. Jesus is love, teaching us how to love. I love that I might be loved, but they love me in spite of me.

Thursday 28th March: NEXT POST

Oh what grief we experience when we don't simply follow what is right, good, healthy.
I learned the hard way. I hope better for others.

"Rivers of water run down from my eyes because men do not keep your law." Psalm 119:136

Sarah Tun "Waterfall in Israel"

Overcoming Adversity: Against Any Odds

DRAWING FROM INNER RESOURCES TO OVERCOME ADVERSITY:

Whether adversity is trying to overcome the temptation to eat dessert or climbing a mountain of debt to pay back all that's due, we all face adversity from time to time. Sometimes it is a deeply personal challenge, sometimes relational, but always it is an opportunity -- a necessity -- to make us stronger.

Why must I experience adversity to be a stronger person emotionally, physically or spiritually? Why can't I lift 100 kilos without practice or laugh at taunting the first time it happens? Or why do I not have answers to life's mysteries without prayer and deep contemplation?

The truth is we all have limitations. But I believe we carry within us ability, strength and purpose that, when we face and overcome the hurdles in our way, we can achieve all that we were created to achieve. I also believe that without the obstacles, we cannot attain our goals. It is through exerting the effort, fighting against opposing forces that trains our muscles, our character, our intelligence to master what needs to be mastered in order to achieve what we were born to achieve. Einstein said that genius is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration; without challenge, effort and conflict we will never reach our capacity for learning, power or fulfillment.

Adversity is the challenge we come up against when life would otherwise be effortless. It is opposition to our success. It is the necessary muscle-builder that enables us to discover our limitations and figure out how to press beyond those limitations in order to solve the problem, fix the conflict or make the new invention.

Kids go to camp to do endurance courses to test their physical strength and mental determination. Celebrities go on "Survivor" to test their mettle. Why do some people choose adversity? Isn't there enough ordained for us? I think those who seek challenge recognize that we must overcome adversity in order to be all we were created to be.

When adversity comes, we have a well from which to draw -- an inner emotional and spiritual resource that offers us the courage and fortitude to overcome the adversity. Through being true to ourselves, we can face anything! That's a bold statement, I know, but I believe it wholeheartedly. Sometimes being true to that inner self is costly. Sometimes other people may object to our achievements or to how we think or behave, and their objection feels like rejection - and that hurts! But to deny who we are, to hide our 'light' under a bushel is far more costly. It is self-rejection. When we are true to ourselves we are exposed, vulnerable to criticism. And yet, when we are true to ourselves we can rest assured we are in sync with who we were formed and made to be; for me that means I can sleep at night free from shame or condemnation. Living true to who I was created to be yields the priceless reward of freedom; the truth does indeed set us free!

Author Max Lucado has written a children's book called You Are Special that touches on this very concept. In this story, the Wemmicks are wooden creations that hand out either dots or stars to one another, depending on their failures or successes. But one Wemmick, Lucia, has neither dots nor stars, because she does not have concern for what others think of her. She only regards what her creator thinks of her as important, so dots or stars handed out don't stick to her.

If we can be like Lucia, confident in the love we have from our creator and true to ourselves, then we can be free, unencumbered by fear of failure or of what others may think of us. Being able to face adversity with courage and integrity enables us to overcome. And it is through overcoming adversity that we become strong enough to achieve what we were born for. Who we are really only surfaces in adversity - when necessity provokes us to act according to what we really believe is most important, rather than what will be popular or easy.

I was once in a car accident when I was a teenager. I was sitting in the back seat of the car with my boyfriend. We both could see the accident coming, but I was the 'quicker thinker' I guess, because I pulled down his head and covered his with my back... no harm came to us. Later, he apologized for not thinking to protect me. I wasn't bothered and simply said, "I could see the accident coming and I just thought of what to do to protect us." It was not a big deal at the time, nor is it still. But the incident taught me something about myself that has been re-enforced again and again: I'm good in a crisis.

That affirmation is something I may never have recognized in myself without that little crisis moment, but it gave me confidence for future emergencies, and each built upon the previous to instill in me a belief in myself. Now, believing I'm good in a crisis and having evidence to back up my belief has enabled me to help others in critical situations.

What are your greatest fears? What emotional, social or spiritual challenges have you had to climb? Within each of us is a well of strength and when we draw on that well, we discover more about the person we were born to be.

 Let us draw: the well is deep and the water is fresh!

NEXT POST: Thursday 14th March - Drawing from Inner Resources to Overcome

SOAR: See Over All Repression!

Desires of the Heart

In this the last post for the "Heart Series" I'd like to begin with this quotation from the Bible:

"He will give you the desires of your heart." Does that mean I am guaranteed that whatever I want I will get? Or if I do not get 'it' does that prove there is no God, or that if He does exist, He's a liar?

The whole of the quote from Psalm 37 goes like this,

"Delight yourself also in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart."

So, the receiving of the desires depends on my delighting Him. Hmm, how I do that must be somewhere in the Bible too? I suppose "Love your neighbour as yourself" might be instruction as a means to that delighting. But having the desires must surely depend on my asking or at least knowing what those desires are. Here I must confess that personally, I've had a rather poor track record of knowing - never mind telling - "What I really, really want" (anyone out there a SPICE GIRLS fan?)

What ARE the desires of my heart? Are desires the same as what I want? My ambitions? My goals?

I think that my desires are not really my hopes for notoriety or privacy, for money or acclaim. I think the desires of anyone's heart are less about the tangible rewards of a job well done and more about the people we touch or are touched by. I used to think to have a successful acting career was my desire or what I longed for. But now I see that relationship - love for family and friends, desire to have people close to me, to share thoughts, hopes, fantasies and the regular ups-and-downs of life - is what really matters to me. I wonder for those who say their heart's desire is fame, if behind that want is the need to be loved or to prove to someone 'I am worthy'? I think sometimes we want to please the voices in our heads, voices of people we want to impress or satisfy or prove something to. But is that a desire of our heart? I think not.

In addition to quality relationships, another thing that matters to me is to have a creative outlet. That's why I write. I blog to get folks to hear about my writing, and to build on-line relationships as well. And I write to convey my passions: my God, my values, my quirks and creativity. I try to create characters that have some of the same questions I've had, the same needs and shortcomings that we all wrestle with, and the same demons. I hope my insights will touch others and make this life journey a little clearer for readers. In that sense then, a deep desire in my heart is to make a positive difference to others through my writing.

So, I write and my desire is to have people read what I write. Even my writing is linked to building relationships. To make a living from it would be wonderful, but I do it anyway. If I delight my God, and it is my passion to earn a living from it, then earn a living from my writing I will. But I've lived long enough now to know, that if it isn't my heart's desire, if it isn't a deep-seated need, then I need not focus on it but know Him'll sort me out. You see I've had desires fulfilled that I thought were impossible to be fulfilled, and others I didn't even recognize were within me. I would say I'm blessed indeed that we don't necessarily have to articulate our desires in order to receive them.

We don't always know what we desire or if we do we don't know how to get it. When I was younger, I wanted to find someone I could love forever, and marry. Only after I 'gave up hope' did I finally find my dear husband. I thought I never wanted a child. But now I have a child and he is the greatest source of joy, hope, discovery and creativity I have. I never imagined I would write; journal writing was a very private hobby. Now I have one book published and it has received very good feedback:
http://bit.ly/VQDs1k
And this blog is one of three and is perhaps the most reminiscent of my journal writing.

Others:

http://www.laruspressupwithlife.blogspot.ca/

https://www.lifefromthelighthouse.wordpress.com/

But none of this was planned or even conscious. My life, along with the fulfillment of the desires of my heart, have manifested more in spite of myself than because of me. I think I was protected against myself. If I'd had what I thought I wanted, by now I'd probably be a lonely public figure. Instead, I am obscure but steady, secure, at peace with myself and loved for - and in spite of - myself.

The desires of my heart have been met and I am grateful.

What matters most to you? Being honest with ourselves is the key to knowing what to ask for, how to go after it, or how to receive it when it is offered.

Until next time ... Thursday 14th March... may you have a lovely time with yourself and those closest to you.