I have more than one friend going through a divorce right now. Perhaps it is because I went through it thirty years ago, or more likely it is just that I try hard to listen, but I mourn for my friends and yet I encourage them too. Divorce is an awful course, and it is very sad when two people who once looked so hopeful into their future together finally say the pain is greater than the hope and we must stop.
I expect that nowadays there are some people who enter into marriage lightly -- optimistic for the future but not thoughtful enough or aware enough of the hardships to come. But many, many people enter into marriage for life and it turns out for one or both of them to be a 'life sentence'. For those, I think divorce may well be the only option. I have not come to this conclusion lightly.
I am writing as a follower of Christ. I believe Jesus, though advising against divorce, grieves more the abused woman's case than a broken marriage. If a partner is violent, addicted, or willfully abusive habitually and is unrepentant or does not wish to change, I cannot believe that Christ would have us stick to the letter of the law when the spirit of the marriage is broken. If he wanted the letter of the law, surely he would have condemned 'the woman caught in adultery.'
I also believe that this time in the Church's history is a most challenging one. We are called to exhort one another and to love one another at a time when society is dancing to the tune of self-centered hedonism; the world seems to condone many actions that are not Biblical. How should an observing believer then, approach a sister or brother disillusioned with marriage and broken in spirit? To come along side another who is grieving the breakdown of a marriage may be a difficult thing for some who believe there is no room for divorce, but 'if we are as a clanging symbol and have not love we are nothing.'
Marriage is a partnership. What if one partner categorically refuses to make an effort? Do you think Jesus didn't know he created a conundrum when he said there is no room for divorce except in the case of adultery? But was he referring to both women and men, or only to men? It was, after all, a male dominated society.
At the heart of everything Jesus taught is one word: Love. Love and marriage are ALWAYS worth saving. But if one partner is abusive or unwilling to take equal responsibility for the marriage, would Jesus say the other must love alone? "Greater love has no man than this: to lay down one's life for his friend." If each in a marriage cannot or will not lay down his life for the other, then I personally do not believe the other should live for the rest of his/her life condemned to a loveless relationship. I do not believe that is what Jesus taught and those who seek to enforce this miss the heart of the gospel.
Jesus came to set us free from sin and death. Abusive relationships are both emotionally and literally deadly. While I do not condone divorce, I do not think it loving to condemn those who feel they must enter into it. Rather, I believe we are called to love one another and in the name of love, I seek to encourage us to do that wholeheartedly and without condemnation toward one another.
I would greatly appreciate your thoughts and theology on this issue. Please will you offer your insights as you feel led to share?
7 comments:
Sarah, I think you've made some wise comments here about both divorce itself and how to be a friend to someone going through it. As you say, all our words can come across as nothing more than a clanging gong if we don't speak them in love.
It strikes me that many people are (or feel they are) living "life sentences" in their relationships: some must care for ill/disabled spouses or children and have no real option to sever that relationship. They may feel trapped and wonder where God's freedom is. But in these cases (I hope) it would help to know that the spouse or child hasn't chosen the way he or she is and can't be held responsible -- whereas in a marriage between two adults, there's a sense of responsibility to the other partner and to the marriage. If one partner is choosing not to accept that responsibility, we may wonder then in what sense is it still a marriage?
I don't really have any answers but I think you've raised some excellent and hard points here.
I just wanted to add: it took me 4 tries to get your "captcha" right. Really I'm not a robot... :-)
I'm so glad you've raised the issue of infirmity and disability. This is so very different from willful irresponsibility. I think I'm just reaching out to the community at large about divorce as many automatically say 'it's fine if you don't want to stick it out' or 'under no circumstances should you consider divorce'. I just don't think it's so 'cut and dry' and am hoping to engage a dialogue that may bring folks to a more compassionate, case-by-case perspective. Thanks for your engagement and your thoughtful points.
As to the 'robot' check - thanks for persevering. I get that from time to time with some blogs. Don't know why?
Hi Sarah:
I used to hold to the "under no circumstances" until I went through a very painful divorce myself. I now believe that abuse is a valid biblical reason for divorce because it is a form of desertion. There comes a point when the marriage does not represent Christ and the church but is travesty of what God intended. Also, the Bible is full of passages commanding his people both OT and NT to care for and defend widows and the oppressed. Something isn't right when our desire to maintain a principle is willing to sacrifice the well being of people. I've recently finished a book on abuse where the authors argue that abuse is different from other sins because of the narcissism at the root
Each situation is different, so one can't propose a one-size-fits-all solution.
Thanks for bringing up this discussion.
So pleased and grateful for your comments, Persis, and you articulate well the nub of the problem when you say, "Something isn't right when our desire to maintain a principle is willing to sacrifice the well being of people." Thank you for sharing a part of your life and the wisdom gained, even though through painful experience. God bless.
I know I'm a little late to this discussion but I thought you might like the perspective of someone who does not view marriage as a religious bond.
I think there are an awful lot of people out there who don't have any idea why they are getting married other than love. Now love is a tricky thing. In early stages it makes you do crazy things. Later it's a deeper more bonded connection to someone. Its in those crazy early times that one usually pops the question or dreams of a billowing white dress. We are in an era of getting what we want when we want it just because we want it. We also live in a time where you can meet your spouse at a bar or in a mall, where you can see them and find attraction, but not necessarily know if you connect in a more intellectual way. In this way I think it's extremely important to live with someone to know if the person who picks you up for a date and brings you flowers is the same person who you eat breakfast with and do yard work with. Some folks are good at the wooing bit and suck and the long term part. Should we be punished for misjudging someone like that?
I certainly think people give up on things (all things, not just marriage) too soon without working at it because simply people don't have to work as hard at anything as they used to. They expect ease in everything from visiting the bank or buying a shirt, up to and including a job or a marriage. When it gets hard, people whine, and bail. They get into a marriage for all the wrong reasons and of course it won't work out with that attitude. That being said however if you've already made that mistake and chosen a person who truly isn't right for you and the two of you are miserable together, what purpose is there in continuing the misery? Just because someone is family does not mean that you have to like them and be with them forever. We are not preprogrammed to get along with everyone at all times.
I believe that as long as the people entering into a union are completely understanding of its significance and the difficulty that may come along with it, then it can be perfectly understandable if they reach a point in their lives after really trying to make it work when they just don't like each other any more.
They can often end up finding much better partners the second time around and living happy fulfilling lives, often still maintaining close friendships with their exes. Being happy and honest with yourself is really what matters here.
I am not bound by any god's law and as such don't feel a shame or a guilt for a broken partnership for that reason. I would however feel a disappointment in myself for having something not turn out the way I expected it to. But this is how we learn, through mistakes, not by doing everything right the first time.
Hi Anonymous,
I so like your comment and reading your perspective. I couldn't agree more with your point of view. Things are easier now and the concept of perseverance is foreign to many. But going on to commitment in marriage specifically, I also take your perspective. There is a difference between marriage between those who profess to follow God's wisdom (I wouldn't term it 'law' for Christians by-the-way, but that's for another discussion) and those who have not made that commitment.
As to marriage itself, while I don't advocate living together (not simply for the moral issue but for far more) as a solution, I do think it's so important to KNOW each other first. Thank you for your valuable insights - and discussion is never too late, not from my point of view.
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