Mid Life Crisis - Part 7

Eureka!

There have been numerous gold rushes - in California, in the Klondike, for example. When gold was found, the miner would shout for joy: "Eureka!"

Today, I have discovered gold. Though not metallic, it's every bit as precious. I have discovered my limitations, and so I have discovered Truth.

I cannot save anyone. I know this. In principle, I've known this in my head for a long time, and yet today I have realized that I've made choices as though I believed I could. All my aspirations have been to make a difference in this world, to have the opportunity to speak into the conditions this world is under and to encourage people. But I've made the mistake of thinking the message was mine to deliver, and in the delivering of it, people would be rescued from despair.

Recently, I hit a crisis point when I discovered I could not fulfill my aspirations. I was struck by my own limitations. I thought the reason I was failing might be because I lacked the necessary skill, education and/or talent to do it. Or that the choices I'd made as a young adult were misdirected, and had taken me away from the optimal career that would provide a platform for my message.

I have indeed made a fundamental mistake, but it was not in the choice of education that put limits on my advancement. No. The mistake I've made, and I've made it over and over again, was to think that I could modify the message, to stylize it, to be creative with it, when it wasn't for me to do. Because it isn't my message to begin with.

I truly believe that if we have a desire in our hearts it can be realized. But this hasn't happened for me, and I'm not getting any younger! Finally, about a month ago, I stopped. I just stopped! The personal frustration and disappointment over my lack of breakthrough caused me to stop the pursuit and wait. Broken, it has been all I could do to get up in the morning and go through a routine, love my family and wait.

Now, after soul searching, prayer and fasting, I finally understand what the block has been: Me. I've been getting in my own way.

The truth is that I have aspired to save the world when I know there is only one who can save it.
I have lived as though the vision, perception, mission within me was there for me to adapt, weave and make attractive through theatrics, storytelling or personal disclosure, when in fact these were all thinly disguised strategies to satisfy my ego. I've known in my head I can't save anyone, but it didn't stop me from trying. And that has been my Wall.

Now, suddenly, all the pieces of the puzzle have suddenly come together! I've tried in many ways to live out my purpose in life, for I do believe we all are created for a unique purpose. I aspired to be known so that I would have the opportunity to share, and so to spare others some of the hardships I've endured. But that which has been my motivation has also been my hindrance. I have been motivated to do this myself, to show I have purpose. Yes, I have wanted to save others from themselves as I've been saved. But my strategy has involved my ego. My ego has been at odds with my aim.

Now, I choose to drop the ego. Ironically, it is only in this that I have any chance to achieve the purpose for which I have been born.

Jesus had no ego. I cannot save anyone, but Jesus can.

My motive operand has been to take what I know, what I see, what I see will come into being, and translate it into something more creative, more palatable, more accessible. You know what? I can't. I've tried. But I have limitations. And the kernel of my limitations is not my creativity, not my education, not even my calling. No. My limitations are that I am human and that I have striven to accomplish the divine.

And God forgives me. That's what I believe. He saved me from myself long before I realized all the nooks and crannies of my self-centered self. And He has saved others too. (It sounds pat and I don't mean it to. Honestly, I know I'm forgiven for my ego and for my weaknesses. I'm grateful for that. It means I don't have to berate myself and I can look ahead to see what's over the horizon. At least, after some weeks of seeing no horizon, I know there is one and in that is my hope.)

The piece of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit that I have to share is how incredibly generous the salvation actually is. It's so generous in fact that it goes beyond the boundaries of life and death, to freedom, creativity and an existence full of joy, peace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness, patience, faith and self-control, so that we don't have to feel miserable about our little lives and our big mistakes, but we can celebrate all we are and all He has put in us to be.

That's the message. I'm the vehicle. But it isn't up to me to disguise it. Someone else may have that calling, but mine is to tell it like it is, and to encourage people to trust in Him and learn He made us to be creative, purposeful and free to be just who He created us to be.

"Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed." Bible, John 8:36 (New King James translation)

Free from my ego, I can begin to piece together the message I've got to deliver. It may not be in the funky, creative narrative I hoped it would be, but if my heart's desire is truly to  make a difference by encouraging others to break free of whatever holds them back, then I've got some of the information they need and the manifesto under which to do it.

Will you listen and take note? Or will you be offended? (I don't want to offend but I guess, even more, I want to deliver the message I've got, to whomever will notice even at a risk.)

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Bible, Proverbs 3:5-6).

It's time I trusted Him for the desires of my heart to be realized, and not let my head get completely in the way!

For those for whom the Christ-walk is a part of their lives already or for whom it holds interest, I refer you to my other (a WordPress) blog: Life from the Lighthouse where on 1st January I wrote about "The Ultimate Goal".

As for Mid Life Crisis, while mid life carries on, the crisis may be over. I'm not sure what will appear next Thursday but so long as life and health continue, I'll be posting here again. In the meantime, may your life sparkle with the hope of the coming year. Happy 2014!

Sparkles on Christmas Day by Sarah Tun

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.

See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

Mid Life Crisis - Part 6

Writing:

Alan Tun 'wife working'

The single most purposeful thing I've spent the last decade or so on, apart from raising my son, has been my writing. Lately, I've been driving down a road of 'whether-or-not-to-continue' which is what has sparked this mid life crisis series. Recently, I had the blessing of a head-on collision with reality through a series of encounters including excellent tutorials and a couple of private sessions with a kind, learned professor. Thank you, Tim!

I have some talent. I have discovered that to tap that talent and create truly meaningful stories - and what is the point of doing anything less - will take me far more time and much more emotional commitment than I ever imagined. And much more time than I have the head space or real time to commit.

Yet, what is the point of learning if we don't apply? Well, I can apply this reality in one of three ways: I can ignore it and continue to write superficial work that will influence no one. That would be hobby.
I can stop writing fiction as I've not got the time to commit properly. Or I can persevere in light of this new information and eek out the opportunities to write whenever I can. Many other authors start out that way. I love learning. It would be difficult for me to "give up" the last option.

I've been privileged to get out one book (Free To Be) as a full time writer. I'm thankful for that. But that is a very different sort of book. If I want to write, publish and develop an audience through fiction, I'm going to have to do things differently from now on.

Reflecting on last week's post, Brokenness, I realize I have nothing to prove. Though it is possible to ignore that lesson and to persevere in the manner I've been living my life until recently, using whatever tool I can to make my mark in this world, I realize that I'm not an experienced enough fiction writer to create something special enough to achieve what I'd really like to achieve. Ground-breaking fiction for people who will be forever changed in their thinking about themselves, their purpose and the reason for which they were put on this earth, is what I really want to write.

But even more, ground-breaking ideas and opportunities to influence positively, is really what I'm all about. So, I have some decisions to make.

At this time of year, we tend to use year end to make resolutions, commit our direction to new or confirmed pathways. I'm not ready to do that. But what I am able to say is that, whatever path has been set for me, I'm willing to travel. I trust it will be one of interest and usefulness. I hope it will make a contribution to the world. I know it will be of some service to someone. And in that, this wrestling soul finds peace.

I wish you the very best for this new year that is soon to be upon us. May 2014 be a shade brighter, more hopeful and dedicated to serving others more than ourselves.

Until next Thursday, and next year!

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.

See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

Mid Life Crisis - Part 3

I love electric blankets, especially the bed-sized fitted electric heating pads that lie underneath your fitted sheet (what is the formal name of this do-dad??) - so I can sit on top of the warmth.

On grey days, when the world is dull and I just want to crawl into bed and feel cozy, when I want to hide from the pressures of the day and to ignore my 'to do' list for a little while, I love to cuddle myself inside my bedsheets and stare out the window. It makes me feel at peace, regardless of whatever turmoil I may be experiencing.

Personally, to gaze out of my window is a particular blessing; my view looks out onto Lake Ontario.

Isn't there something so soothing about gazing at the movement of a body of water? It's never boring! And even if I were to sit for hours - which I never do - I'd feel like I was accomplishing something because even if I'm not moving, the water is. It seems as though action is being carried out, even though it may only be the illusion caused by the ebb and flow of water.

Actually there is an achievement that comes with sitting, looking, pondering; the achievement is embodied in the feeling of peace, calm, quiet that brings rejuvenation. Rest without sleep is beautiful, although perhaps it could be more highly profiled as a healthy habit to practice in our busy lives.

And who is to say I'm meant to achieve anything anyway?

Oops! Again, I've struck on my crisis point: that thought that my life is turning a page and I've not been able to accomplish enough in the First Act - or Three - and now time is marching on.

I believe there was someone - centuries ago - who had the ambition to read every book in print. I think he did it! As an over-achiever, I seem to want to do the same sort of thing... only my goal is about as impossible as it would be today to read every book in print.

And I'm not even sure what my goal is... only I know that I haven't achieved it.

Today I began to imagine what I would like to achieve. I've been imagining, envisioning. I haven't done that for a while. Does that make me more aware of my failure, or give me greater hope for the future? I'm not sure... but it's something I'll be thinking about. It has made me feel lighter. And if you have any insights, I wonder if you'd be willing to share with me?

Until next Thursday....

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.

See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

Mid Life Crisis: Part 1

Mid Life Crisis at 54: Does that suggest I'm immature or will I live to be 108?!

This is a confusing post to write but I'm going to 'have a go' as they say in England.

I'm having a sort of mid-life crisis I think. Looking on the bright side, since that's an occurrence more typical of someone in their 40's, perhaps I'll take it as a sign that I've taken longer than most to grow up. Perhaps there's an equal chance I'll grow old more slowly too. Since we who are prone to emotionalism and immaturity hang on to very little stress, it's only natural we avoid stress-related illness, right? It would be nice to think there's a positive that will come out of the current mild state of confusion I'm experiencing.

I am in crisis and have been, but only for a few days. I noticed a couple of days ago that I was moving slowly, both in my thoughts and in my physical being, lost in a fog of tension and near-despair. Then last night - waking in the middle of the night - I managed to give myself a label, which gave way to a huge sense of relief. A break-thru! The second half of last night I'm sure I slept better. Today the tension and inertia are half what they were yesterday. For me, answering the 'why' is have way to a solution.

I'm sure I'm better today for having put a label for 'it' - the muddled mind, the huge sense of oppression, the pressure of claustrophobia without being in a small physical space at all. Mid life crisis. Suddenly, I'm a part of the human race again, experiencing life just the way so many others have experienced it.

What are the symptoms of my mid life crisis?

I was feeling - am feeling - like I'm sitting alone in a dark room and I want to get out but I've got nowhere to go. I have a sense that my brain has reached capacity, yet I have many more ideas to cram inside with nowhere to file them. And as for the filing, I think that's a part of what put me in this compressed 'state' in the first place... Far too many projects, responsibilities, concepts to explore, each distracting me from the others to the point of inertia. And I'm realizing, I've spent twenty years of my life in the Arts with relatively little income to show for it. I've learned a ton. In fact, I've believed all along that life is about learning (I started out my professional career as a teacher) but now, having learned, I'd like to have something to show for it outside of a million manuscript ideas, several having been penned and at various stages of draft form and a few published items.

My life is like that... a draft of what is to come. I've always lived my life like that. A planner, I've always anticipated what needed to be done to make tomorrow's load lighter. But each day has a tomorrow so the load has never seemed to get lighter.

Now, at my relative mid life, I'm thinking, "Well, what's left to explore?"

I'm wondering, shouldn't I begin to reap rather than to keep on sowing? The answer is, I don't know. But I am tired of working very hard. In fact, this particular workaholic is just plain tired.

Of course the thing about any crisis is, everything is blown out of proportion. The mind plays tricks... though usually it's laughing alone. So I'm wondering - what tricks am I a victim to, and what truths are finally getting across to me?

Well, I'm going in circles... It's time to list some blessings, in order to tell my mind I have reason to be thankful. This is to draw me toward regaining a healthy perspective:

I have a marriage that's lasted twenty years
I have a healthy eight year old son
I have a gorgeous (inside and out) step daughter with whom I get along
I have family and friends far flung across the globe
I've lived on three continents and have visited two others
I'm sure of where I'm going after this life (though to say it may annoy some of you)

What can top this list of things to be grateful for? Everyone has their 'list' and I'm grateful for mine. But the trouble is, for almost the first time in my life, I'm scared. Really scared. I'm scared I've missed something I should have done, or should be doing, though I don't know what it is. If I knew, I'd think I'd do it. But I don't. So I'm stuck - inert - in my dark room, sitting because I don't know the direction to travel if I do stand up.

I've always been a bit of a control freak. At this point in my life, I've got no agenda and no control. And that scares me. Anybody else feel like that? Oh I've matured so I can be calm on the outside, but there's such a belly ache of stirring on the inside, that I want to explode before I implode.

Except I've not got the energy to let myself burst. Instead, I tell myself I've got to keep hanging on..... to... to... to order! And maybe then, maybe then I'll hitch a ride to somewhere that isn't such hard work. Maybe.... I'll be carried away to a land where there's rest and quiet and limited stimulation, a land where I can create something that will be enjoyed by others without having to work so hard to polish it because, in the polishing, all the joy gets rubbed away in the process. Maybe there I can find peace.

Did you know that striving for perfection and for peace don't mix? - they clash. Perfection and peace are like two roads that cross, once. I know I've spent most of my life traveling on Perfection Road but I'm realizing that it's been a long and sometimes grueling path. Perhaps now is the time turn off.

I'd like to find Peace Road, but I'm not sure how to find it or, if I get to that one crossroad, which turn am I to take? I hope I haven't already reached that crossroad and ignored it. And if I have yet to come to it, how will I recognize it when I arrive?... there are a lot of other crossroads. How will I recognize the peace crossroad? And isn't it only by chance I might find it? From where I am now, how do I even know which path to take from here? And if I do get there, and recognize it, and take the correct turn, will I be glad once I've done it or will I regret it? Will I then tell myself I took the easy option? Will I feel slothful and wish I could get back on the busy road I'm already on?

Are these simply vain imaginings of a 54 year old woman? Or are they insights into what it is to come as I enter a new stage in life?

The real trouble is of course, that there are just too many roads to travel, and everyone is trying to get on the right road that will lead them to their ultimate fulfillment. And I, in my current (and probably very temporary) crisis am wondering which road I last took and where I have ended up? The labyrinth of choice has put me in a complete muddle and I'm stuck, not knowing which way, or whether-or-not to go.

I categorically say I'm still sane. But it's hard to convey a crisis yet still write comprehensively. I've shown the underbelly of my mind now, and when I press "publish" what if life will never be the same again...? But perhaps that's what a crisis is all about: prompting the mind to lead us into a new realm, as a means to allay the boredom and mundane of middle age.

I plan to move forward with open hands, unaware of what is to come, and unwilling to yield to fear.

From me to you, until next week....

Open Hands by Sarah Tun

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.

See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

My "Perfect" Life - part 11

Indeed... boy, I got that wrong!

Shortly after I woke up, the telephone rang and the call was for me.

It was principal I'd spoken to the day before. He had a job offer for me. Wow!

I'm not sure if you're familiar with the sort of situation I'm recounting: Imagine yourself, unemployed,
a specialist in a field where there are SO MANY specialists that prospects are slim to nil. But here I was, standing in the kitchen of my sister's place, with a job offer that would bring me back to the place I loved to live, more than any other place I'd ever known, and to do a job for which I was trained but relatively inexperienced. Unheard of!

I accepted the job, sorted out the contract and arranged to make the permanent move (after spending the summer with my parents and having had my furniture in storage).

And from that day I honoured my promise: I've followed God to the best of my understanding and ability, ever since.

God is Faithful!

This is just about the exact place where I sat and made my decision to stay in Kingston, 30 years ago. The shoreline hasn't changed much at all... but I have.

What decision have you made that enabled you to move on in your life in a way that is so positive, so uplifting, you'd like to share it here? (or email me at laruspress@gmail.com for a more private discussion)

My "Perfect" Life - Part 4

Sibling rivalry is bound up in disappointment. I was never disappointed by my sibling, so I never felt to rival her.

She was brainy and I admired her for it. I remember her reading one high school course for fun whilst studying another for credit. She read fiction voraciously. And sometimes she would recount to me lots of history I would otherwise never have learned. I learned more about Hitler and Russian and British history from her than from text books. I loved listening to her and I learned a lot. I wish some of those golden moments could have been kept in a bottle, because decades later, I have only memories. Our dysfunctional family has produced a gulf between these two sisters that only a miracle can close. I hope, one day, a miracle will come to pass.

My sister and I used to fight a lot. My mother, herself an only child, didn't seem to have any equipment in her mothering 'toolkit' to help us get along or to 'like' each other. Actually, I adored my sister.  Playing Sound of Music together was a favourite pastime for me - she sang the Maria parts and I played the sixteen year old girl to her Rolf. But I wonder if these play times meant as much to her? While most siblings grow up and get to share their memories and compare their perspectives, we have not.

I was four years her junior and labelled a pest. I liked to hang around when her friends were over, which she didn't like. I couldn't take a hint and was irritating I suppose. But I liked her friends, and admired her. I could have listened to her endlessly. Once I found her journal - she must have been in university by then. I only looked inside briefly but what I found was truly awesome! She wrote prose as though it were poetry; her reflections were intimate and beautifully composed. I only peeked as I knew it was wrong, but if I could have read her work I'd have soaked up every word.

I wouldn't say I lived in her shadow, though I admired her for her brilliance. Instead, by comparison, I was a more outgoing teenager to her quiet, introverted personality -- I dated a fair bit, was a bit sporty, acted in plays. By the time I grew up, I had mostly outgrown my interest in spending time with her. We had little in common except a last name. I would have liked to have been closer, but we were so different, I didn't really know how to befriend her. We were disconnected, but in spite of that, my respect for her never waned. Now, this sad comfort is all I have to offer a sister who wants nothing to do with me.

What do you do when someone you love but don't really know says she wants to live her life without you in it? What can you do? You can pray for change. You can try to reach out. But inevitably, I believe you must respect her wishes. Whatever the reason she may have, it is what she's said she wants. And a relationship without respect is no relationship at all.

Two decades since my sister said she wants me to have no part of her life, every indication suggests she has not budged in her attitude.

When I read stories of twins, who were separated at birth but in middle age are suddenly reunited, I think of my sister and I and wish we could have a happy ending. When I think of foster children forced to be raised in different households, longing for their siblings but remaining alone, I think how ungrateful we have been to have grown so far apart. And I think of my mother who had wanted a sister but had grown up an only child, and how she must have been devastated by the rift between her two daughters. Yet, out of respect, I continue to do nothing, because I want to honour my sister and don't know what else to do but to obey her wishes to stay out of her life.

I am sorry for the rift. I am sorry for my part in it. But I am unable to provoke change.

I'd like to end this excerpt on a cheery note. I can say I've seen my sister at a distance a few times quite unexpectedly, and I'm glad. I'm thankful for the opportunity to have seen her, to see that she is content. I wonder if a birth parent of an adopted child might feel a little as I have - watching without the other person even knowing she's there. I haven't approached my sister because I don't want to upset her; perhaps I give myself too much importance. Or perhaps I failed to recognize when we were young that I was important to her at all.

I wonder too, if she has had similar encounters with me - from a distance, without my awareness. And if so, I hope she is comforted.

Have you experienced a separation from someone you love but from whom you are now estranged? If so, how have you coped?

I'll write again next Thursday, sharing another glimpse into my past, hoping to spark something in you that invites your reflection too.

My "Perfect" Life - Part 2

Intimacy is a word that sparks in me a feeling of being hugged and the experience of eye contact. The family home in which I grew up was decent and respectable to the outside world, but we were not intimate. It was a time when fathers were the breadwinners, and were responsible as role models. I suspect ours was more-or-less the norm. At least to the outside world we were a typical WASP household, where fathers were detached entities to be respected, feared and obeyed.

My father fought in World War II as a fighter pilot. I know nothing of his experiences. He never spoke about it himself. Second and third hand, through my mother and a first cousin: my father's sister's daughter, I've learned a little about how the war affected him. After the war, my father spent time with his sister 'recuperating' emotionally. Evidently, he had nightmares. Later, when he attempted to finish his law degree and write the Bar exam, he was too war-torn to manage it. He either didn't write the exam or flunked out.
Apparently, my father was a brilliant orator and law student never to have his dreams realized. I say 'apparently' because he never spoke to me about himself. My mother did a bit, but she wasn't the most reliable source of information as she was prone to exaggeration and embellishment. But it's safe to say he did leave law school to volunteer for the war effort a year before finishing, and he never practiced the Law. He'd been valedictorian of his undergraduate class and his yearbook says words to the affect: 'If this boy doesn't make a significant contribution to society there is no justice in the world.' Some time after his death, I found the yearbook when I was in my 30's. Upon discovering that comment, I felt proud for my dad.
His failure to complete Law was not only a personal tragedy but also indicative of the losses to society. This man - like so many others - put his own life 'on hold' to do what he felt was his duty, never to fulfill his goals or purpose.


The story I'll use to introduce my remote and harsh father is third hand. It's the only story I have about him as a child, but it gives me the impression that my dad was a sensitive and loving child. It is a story I'll call 'Sweet Kittens'. A cousin told me the story, which in itself tells you a lot about the lack of intimacy in my immediate family.

When my dad was little - maybe about five - the family cat had kittens. The family was never well-off.... (One reason my dad didn't finish law school was because he had to put himself through university and then law school; I don't know how he managed undergrad but by the time he got to law school he had to work a year, then study for a year, then work for a year... back and forth like that. By the time he was to study his last year the war was full-on and he felt he should wait no longer but go to fight...) ... the kittens were important to my dad. He played intently with them. But at some point, perhaps when they'd grown and needed solid food, or perhaps sooner when it was realized no one else would take the kittens, they were put in a sack and drowned. My father watched, helpless, and then he ran off, crying, devastated. I highlight in the story that he appeared to be alone in his grief. His older sisters and parents, it seemed, were unconsoling. A younger brother wasn't yet born.

Growing up in our house, we always had a cat. The third family cat is the only one I remember. I was three years old when we got him and he lived for ten years. He was wonderful! My dad was affectionate toward Boots and spoke words of affirmation to him. Boots lived a high life of soft cat food, roast beef and ice cream. When my dad would nap on the sofa, Boots curled up next to him. Dad flattered Boots. 'A thing of beauty is a joy forever' Dad would quote. Then he'd reach down and pat the cat and say, "Eh Boots." My mother looked on as the cat received open affection. The words of affirmation and displays of affection my dad showed toward the cat are the indications I interpret as the potential my dad had for displaying love.
When Boots died of natural causes, it was my father who found him. He took his body away for disposal and we never had another family cat. I don't remember my dad speaking about Boots or his death after that.

I admire my father in many ways. Now I choose to look upon our distant relationship as a tragedy that was rooted in his experience of war and having no acknowledgement or treatment for the effects.

While this post may seem bleak, it is not intended to be so. Some of life's events and relationships can be disappointing, how we take our experiences and make them channels for strength and learning are up to us. I believe every experience makes us stronger, healthier, more compassionate individuals, able to offer to the world insight and hope.

Have you family memories that this story triggers in you? I'd love to hear from you - about your family, or your thoughts about mine. And I'll bring a third installment of My "Perfect" Life next THURSDAY.

Desires of the Heart

In this the last post for the "Heart Series" I'd like to begin with this quotation from the Bible:

"He will give you the desires of your heart." Does that mean I am guaranteed that whatever I want I will get? Or if I do not get 'it' does that prove there is no God, or that if He does exist, He's a liar?

The whole of the quote from Psalm 37 goes like this,

"Delight yourself also in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart."

So, the receiving of the desires depends on my delighting Him. Hmm, how I do that must be somewhere in the Bible too? I suppose "Love your neighbour as yourself" might be instruction as a means to that delighting. But having the desires must surely depend on my asking or at least knowing what those desires are. Here I must confess that personally, I've had a rather poor track record of knowing - never mind telling - "What I really, really want" (anyone out there a SPICE GIRLS fan?)

What ARE the desires of my heart? Are desires the same as what I want? My ambitions? My goals?

I think that my desires are not really my hopes for notoriety or privacy, for money or acclaim. I think the desires of anyone's heart are less about the tangible rewards of a job well done and more about the people we touch or are touched by. I used to think to have a successful acting career was my desire or what I longed for. But now I see that relationship - love for family and friends, desire to have people close to me, to share thoughts, hopes, fantasies and the regular ups-and-downs of life - is what really matters to me. I wonder for those who say their heart's desire is fame, if behind that want is the need to be loved or to prove to someone 'I am worthy'? I think sometimes we want to please the voices in our heads, voices of people we want to impress or satisfy or prove something to. But is that a desire of our heart? I think not.

In addition to quality relationships, another thing that matters to me is to have a creative outlet. That's why I write. I blog to get folks to hear about my writing, and to build on-line relationships as well. And I write to convey my passions: my God, my values, my quirks and creativity. I try to create characters that have some of the same questions I've had, the same needs and shortcomings that we all wrestle with, and the same demons. I hope my insights will touch others and make this life journey a little clearer for readers. In that sense then, a deep desire in my heart is to make a positive difference to others through my writing.

So, I write and my desire is to have people read what I write. Even my writing is linked to building relationships. To make a living from it would be wonderful, but I do it anyway. If I delight my God, and it is my passion to earn a living from it, then earn a living from my writing I will. But I've lived long enough now to know, that if it isn't my heart's desire, if it isn't a deep-seated need, then I need not focus on it but know Him'll sort me out. You see I've had desires fulfilled that I thought were impossible to be fulfilled, and others I didn't even recognize were within me. I would say I'm blessed indeed that we don't necessarily have to articulate our desires in order to receive them.

We don't always know what we desire or if we do we don't know how to get it. When I was younger, I wanted to find someone I could love forever, and marry. Only after I 'gave up hope' did I finally find my dear husband. I thought I never wanted a child. But now I have a child and he is the greatest source of joy, hope, discovery and creativity I have. I never imagined I would write; journal writing was a very private hobby. Now I have one book published and it has received very good feedback:
http://bit.ly/VQDs1k
And this blog is one of three and is perhaps the most reminiscent of my journal writing.

Others:

http://www.laruspressupwithlife.blogspot.ca/

https://www.lifefromthelighthouse.wordpress.com/

But none of this was planned or even conscious. My life, along with the fulfillment of the desires of my heart, have manifested more in spite of myself than because of me. I think I was protected against myself. If I'd had what I thought I wanted, by now I'd probably be a lonely public figure. Instead, I am obscure but steady, secure, at peace with myself and loved for - and in spite of - myself.

The desires of my heart have been met and I am grateful.

What matters most to you? Being honest with ourselves is the key to knowing what to ask for, how to go after it, or how to receive it when it is offered.

Until next time ... Thursday 14th March... may you have a lovely time with yourself and those closest to you.