There have been numerous gold rushes - in California, in the Klondike, for example. When gold was found, the miner would shout for joy: "Eureka!"
Today, I have discovered gold. Though not metallic, it's every bit as precious. I have discovered my limitations, and so I have discovered Truth.
I cannot save anyone. I know this. In principle, I've known this in my head for a long time, and yet today I have realized that I've made choices as though I believed I could. All my aspirations have been to make a difference in this world, to have the opportunity to speak into the conditions this world is under and to encourage people. But I've made the mistake of thinking the message was mine to deliver, and in the delivering of it, people would be rescued from despair.
Recently, I hit a crisis point when I discovered I could not fulfill my aspirations. I was struck by my own limitations. I thought the reason I was failing might be because I lacked the necessary skill, education and/or talent to do it. Or that the choices I'd made as a young adult were misdirected, and had taken me away from the optimal career that would provide a platform for my message.
I have indeed made a fundamental mistake, but it was not in the choice of education that put limits on my advancement. No. The mistake I've made, and I've made it over and over again, was to think that I could modify the message, to stylize it, to be creative with it, when it wasn't for me to do. Because it isn't my message to begin with.
I truly believe that if we have a desire in our hearts it can be realized. But this hasn't happened for me, and I'm not getting any younger! Finally, about a month ago, I stopped. I just stopped! The personal frustration and disappointment over my lack of breakthrough caused me to stop the pursuit and wait. Broken, it has been all I could do to get up in the morning and go through a routine, love my family and wait.
Now, after soul searching, prayer and fasting, I finally understand what the block has been: Me. I've been getting in my own way.
The truth is that I have aspired to save the world when I know there is only one who can save it.
I have lived as though the vision, perception, mission within me was there for me to adapt, weave and make attractive through theatrics, storytelling or personal disclosure, when in fact these were all thinly disguised strategies to satisfy my ego. I've known in my head I can't save anyone, but it didn't stop me from trying. And that has been my Wall.
Now, suddenly, all the pieces of the puzzle have suddenly come together! I've tried in many ways to live out my purpose in life, for I do believe we all are created for a unique purpose. I aspired to be known so that I would have the opportunity to share, and so to spare others some of the hardships I've endured. But that which has been my motivation has also been my hindrance. I have been motivated to do this myself, to show I have purpose. Yes, I have wanted to save others from themselves as I've been saved. But my strategy has involved my ego. My ego has been at odds with my aim.
Now, I choose to drop the ego. Ironically, it is only in this that I have any chance to achieve the purpose for which I have been born.
Jesus had no ego. I cannot save anyone, but Jesus can.
My motive operand has been to take what I know, what I see, what I see will come into being, and translate it into something more creative, more palatable, more accessible. You know what? I can't. I've tried. But I have limitations. And the kernel of my limitations is not my creativity, not my education, not even my calling. No. My limitations are that I am human and that I have striven to accomplish the divine.
And God forgives me. That's what I believe. He saved me from myself long before I realized all the nooks and crannies of my self-centered self. And He has saved others too. (It sounds pat and I don't mean it to. Honestly, I know I'm forgiven for my ego and for my weaknesses. I'm grateful for that. It means I don't have to berate myself and I can look ahead to see what's over the horizon. At least, after some weeks of seeing no horizon, I know there is one and in that is my hope.)
The piece of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit that I have to share is how incredibly generous the salvation actually is. It's so generous in fact that it goes beyond the boundaries of life and death, to freedom, creativity and an existence full of joy, peace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness, patience, faith and self-control, so that we don't have to feel miserable about our little lives and our big mistakes, but we can celebrate all we are and all He has put in us to be.
That's the message. I'm the vehicle. But it isn't up to me to disguise it. Someone else may have that calling, but mine is to tell it like it is, and to encourage people to trust in Him and learn He made us to be creative, purposeful and free to be just who He created us to be.
"Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed." Bible, John 8:36 (New King James translation)
Free from my ego, I can begin to piece together the message I've got to deliver. It may not be in the funky, creative narrative I hoped it would be, but if my heart's desire is truly to make a difference by encouraging others to break free of whatever holds them back, then I've got some of the information they need and the manifesto under which to do it.
Will you listen and take note? Or will you be offended? (I don't want to offend but I guess, even more, I want to deliver the message I've got, to whomever will notice even at a risk.)
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Bible, Proverbs 3:5-6).
It's time I trusted Him for the desires of my heart to be realized, and not let my head get completely in the way!
For those for whom the Christ-walk is a part of their lives already or for whom it holds interest, I refer you to my other (a WordPress) blog: Life from the Lighthouse where on 1st January I wrote about "The Ultimate Goal".
As for Mid Life Crisis, while mid life carries on, the crisis may be over. I'm not sure what will appear next Thursday but so long as life and health continue, I'll be posting here again. In the meantime, may your life sparkle with the hope of the coming year. Happy 2014!
|Sparkles on Christmas Day by Sarah Tun|
END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.
My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
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