First, the scared part: I'm in a new land which is now my home. I couldn't call it home until now, but now the official documents say I'm here. Until recently, I was caught between two worlds, my homeland of Canada and a new start in Spain. I confess I've considered turning back, going home to what I know and love. The thought, "I've been a tourist, perhaps it's time I went home" went through my mind, and I was serious. But now I'm here, to stay, and with that reality, I admit I'm scared.
What am I scared of? It isn't the new language or new orientation or people. It isn't starting over with relationships to build and places to discover. What it is, is having no control. I'm in free-fall and I'm not usually the paratrooper type. I like planes well enough; to stay in them until they're back on the ground is adventure enough. I'm in a new land and have no idea what I'll do with my time from this moment on. Oh, I'll be a mom and wife and companion to people. I reckon I'll continue to write. But what is in store? I've no idea. And though I'm scared of the unknown and what is beyond my control, I am anticipating the positive. So I am scared, but I'm not afraid to fly.
Now, the relieved part: Here I am, living in Spain, with my family. We've lived in 3 countries within 5 years. I've found it difficult to have time to myself over the past few months of transition - the leaving and the arriving both consuming my focus. I have been saying since arriving in Spain: "I've moved" while in my heart of hearts I've only been in trial mode. Now, with my belongings (red tape finally cleared! - see last week's excerpt if you aren't familiar with the reference point) and my family here, it's hard to imagine moving on - again.
So, I'm at peace with this new situation and after a long transition and a few doubts behind me, I'm relieved.
Apart from becoming acquainted with a new language, I have a lot of adjustments to make and a lot of information to digest. Among these adjustments to my changes in circumstance, I need to know: How will my writing be a part of this new life? I feel like it - as well as I - have been in a holding pattern since October. Now, I'm in my own office again - albeit a new one to me - and I have my space and my time to compose. But is there something else to be focusing on, something more immediate or important to the general pulse of the universe that I must do, to ensure I'm playing my part? Truth is, I don't know. That's what scares me, and intrigues me as well.
You see, I see that I'm not really in control anymore. I realize life has moved me on, and at breakneck speed, to a surprising place. There are few moments in my life when I wasn't 'in control' and now I have a feeling I won't have that control any longer.
I want to continue to write. It is a life pulse for me. But what shall I write? And how shall I convey what I've already learned to others? After all, as a teacher once, it's hard to completely turn my back on something that's inside me. So I write, and I talk about writing. And what else?
My family is settling in. Now, it is perhaps my turn to discover what's here for me.
As Christmas approaches, I'd like to complete this cycle of New Beginnings and look toward the festive season and how all things point to another moment in time, one that is and was and will always be outside of ourselves and yet a part of ourselves. We all need love, joy and peace. For me, Jesus is the reason for this upcoming Season; but whether or not it is for you, this season does offer lots of love and joy and peace in little surprising places and moments and faces. As we come upon this Season, may you embrace every opportunity to enjoy those unexpected places, moments and faces.
Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:
END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.
My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
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