Forgiveness - Part 7

My mother died about 5 years ago. I loved her. And she loved me, though she had a hard time forgiving me for some of our differences.

We had differences, particularly in perspective. One of the main differences between us was our attitude to forgiveness.

For some reason, although I've always been extremely sensitive to emotional hurt, I've been consistently forgiving toward whomever instigates it. I guess I'm so aware of my own shortcomings that I find it too much to hold a grudge against someone else for theirs. Instead, I seem to have a habit of putting myself in the other person's position and am able to identify, even if only a little, with their point of view. Some might say I make excuses for other people; I like to think I have a measure of empathy.

Not so my mother.

I wouldn't say my mother was vengeful or spiteful, but she could hold a grudge, particularly if someone hurt or treated badly one of her own. I remember as a young teen I had a part time job at a local store, and when I was let go because the owners didn't want to take the time to train me, my mother felt I was unjustly treated and vowed never to go back to that store. As far as I  know, she never did.

So when we had a falling out ourselves twenty-five years ago, there was a lot of shouting and accusation on her part, and there never was full reconciliation. She died with bitter words on her lips, though she arranged that a beautiful letter she wrote be posted to me posthumously, one that I will treasure forever.

Why do mothers and daughters have issues? I hold no expectation that our relationship was unique. In fact, I wonder if it isn't more unique to see mother/daughter relationships that have grown into friendship as the child grows into a woman. Mothers pour so much into their children and yet so often mothers and daughters have a lot of friction between them.

I think the key is expectation.

I watched my sister experience my mother's nagging and criticism, for homework not done or a lazy attitude. My sister was very brainy without lifting a textbook. My sister was the elder, and so my mother heaped expectation and responsibility upon her that she didn't put upon me. And yet, my sister and my mother ended up to be much closer than my mother and I. I think what lay the foundation was that I was oblivious to expectation, whereas my sister was fully aware of it and, though passive-aggressive, she was ultimately compliant.

I believe mothers have a right to expect of their children obedience, respect and honour. I believe daughters have the need to be seen as separate entities from their mothers. And in a struggle for authority on the one hand and independence on the other, mothers and daughters might have a hard time finding a healthy balance in their relationship.

But it is possible. Fast forward to adulthood. When we can be vulnerable with one another, and honest, then there is room for rebuilding.

I remember once my mother was hurt and upset about someone or something external to our relationship. I offered to comfort her, but she said, "No, you are the daughter and I am the mother." How sad. I was a young adult and yet she could not allow herself to receive compassion from me.

When there is pride or bitterness or a lack of forgiveness within, there is a hardness of heart that affects our entire being. Ultimately, doesn't it affect every relationship, putting us out of reach of love and gentleness?

I was not an easy daughter and in hindsight, I wish I had been. Now as a mother myself, I find it easy to forgive my mother for her flaws and mistakes as I make so many myself. But when I consider friends and relatives, some of whom have great family relationships and others not so much, I think the one thing I see in common with the healthier relationships is acceptance and forgiveness.

The last time I saw my mother, she was full of cancer and was not happy to see me. She poured out her disappointment toward me; I saw, for the first time, her competitiveness, her sarcasm and her criticism of me as I'd been growing up. I'm no hero, but in spite of her hostility toward me, I managed to keep cool and say to her repeatedly that I loved her. She couldn't receive it at the time but perhaps it struck a chord. A few weeks after her death, I received a letter wishing me the best life would have to offer.

There is no way of knowing how we will end our days. We can choose to make the most of the ones we have. For me, a key to achieving that is by loving, apologizing and forgiving.

Until next week... I hope all of your relationships will be full of honestly, courage and acceptance.

Mom with Grandson by Sarah Tun

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.

See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

Forgiveness - Part 6

Sibling Rivalry.

There are a lot of things that siblings can argue about when they are young. I believe parents need to guide their children to love each other, to get over the hurdles, and to teach them how to respect each other so that when they grow up they can be friends.

I have a friend who has three siblings. With both parents gone now, they make every effort to spend quality time together, even though they don't live in the same city. That's beautiful to see.

It isn't like that in all families.

I was the youngest of two children. I remember my sister being forced to wear the same design of coat that I had. It was embarrassing for her and I felt sorry for her, even though it wasn't my fault my mother sometimes chose identical clothes. I remember her being given a classical guitar when she wanted an acoustic one. I felt sorry she didn't get what she really wanted. Things seemed to go that way a lot for her, while I seemed to manage more often to get what I wanted.  At least that's how I think she perceived it.

My mother usually blamed her for arguments between us, siting her as the elder who should know better. It wasn't my fault my mother scolded her, but I think she blamed me.

When there is more than one child in a family there is bound to be some sibling rivalry. How that is grappled with is really important. My mother had no siblings so she wasn't very well equipped to teach us how to love each other, though she sorely wanted us to.

We can take our families for granted. We can wish they were different or, as I sometimes did, imagine we were adopted so that one day the reason I didn't fit in would be discovered and my 'real' family would embrace me and I could escape the isolation of the current family.

Instead, those of us who feel like misfits, muddle through childhood, and jump into the garden of freedom as soon as possible, only to discover life, with all it's complicated relationships, isn't so ideal after all.

I wonder if my sister thinks I had it easier than she did. We both had our traumas growing up and our disappointments. I remember observing her struggles, but as I was younger, I didn't know how to show empathy. I wish I could have. That might have made us closer. Instead, I can't help thinking she compared my disappointments with hers, and finding hers the more challenging, concluded life treated her more unfairly.

Forgiveness is realizing the past can't be changed and accepting the circumstances and people of the past for what they were. Although there is a gulf between my sister and me, I forgive myself for anything I did to provoke it and I forgive her for not seeing me for who I am now.

Readers, if you have a sibling (or three), may I encourage you to reach out to them and show them love, grace and acceptance. If they are your friends, that is such a wonderful gift! But if they've hurt you, while you may not want to give your trust away, perhaps you could ask yourself what it is you expect from them that they haven't delivered. You may discover they weren't able to give what you'd hoped for, not out of carelessness, but out of ignorance or innocence. And that recognition will give you room to begin to forgive.

As tomorrow is the calendar day to express love, I'd like to share a heart or two with you, hoping love and forgiveness today will bring you joy and freedom tomorrow.

Heart to Heart by Sarah Tun

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.

See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

Forgiveness - Part 5

Forgiving "God" :

I think most of us want to feel we have some sense of control over our lives. There are some people, I suppose, who are totally able to take events and circumstances 'as they come', having no desire or need for any degree of self-determination. But I think most people have some measure of desire to engage their WILL to determine - at least to some degree - how their life maps out.

And when our master plan (or key elements of it) doesn't materialize, we might be tempted to hold a 'master planner' responsible. While I recognize that some people don't believe in a master planner at all, because I do, I can't help wondering if some of the people who deny the existence of a master planner do so as a way of getting back at him for not allowing their desires to be satisfied. But that's a debate that might be better explored some other time or place...

(And of course I hope any atheists or agnostics will forgive me for my ruminations.)

So far in this series, I've talked about forgiving ourselves and our families. But what about "GOD"? If there is a master of the universe, why doesn't he make things pleasant all of the time? Why do good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people? And why don't I get my way all of the time (I'm not being entirely facetious)?

Whether we view God as malevolent or benevolent, or not view him (or her?) at all, I believe there is within us an in-born sense that we cannot control everything and when something occurs within our frame of reference that is really unjust we rail! The death of our child, the agony of personal failure, a holocaust or a natural disaster triggers in most of us some kind of disillusionment, shock, feeling of helplessness that becomes anger or despondency. "9/11" triggered a type of grief around a nation and throughout the world that has seen no equal before or since. The aftermath of tsunamis and hurricanes bring with the pain incredible acts of generosity and care. But the 'Where was God?' question echoes throughout society.

I'm not intending to address the theology of God but rather the sense that there is a universal experience of helplessness among humanity that sometimes turns it's face to the sky and says, 'Why is this happening?!' in anger and bitterness. So, what do we do with anger and resentment that cannot change a situation, but that will change us if we don't find forgiveness? How do we forgive 'fate', God, or that invisible entity that chooses to allow bad things to happen?

I say, quite honestly, that it isn't for us to forgive in these instances, but that it is incredibly audacious to think we can see the end from the beginning and even make an assessment. I say, we need in those circumstances to grieve but not to hold on to fury - because that will eat us! We need to ask "Why?" but then to accept we may never receive an answer.

I hadn't expected to write this post - in a way it's a bit of a digression. But as I re-read the previous post it occurred to me that bitterness, which sits very close to unforgiveness, can settle in even when we experience situations at arm's length: situations such as natural disasters, foreign wars, or the actions of a political party or politician. To cope, we may have a target and aim our blame. And if there isn't a human to blame we may make a target of 'God'. But we do this at our peril... not because fire may strike us down! But because the fire within us can consume our minds and our hearts and make us hard, cold or cynical. And it's my belief that cynicism is soul destroying - crushing love, hope and joy.

So, my take on forgiving events or an entity larger than our own humanity - whether it be an earthly entity or a divine one - is to measure our anger and let it go. Turn it to generous acts which can make a difference to those who suffer the consequences of the disaster, or graciously receive the generosity of others if we are the victims. But turning it to fury that rails but cannot be resolved serves no ultimate purpose and eats away at us, slowly, imperceptibly perhaps. Inevitably, we who remain in this state, are consumed by our own hostility.

I've been a bit nervy perhaps this week, but aiming to touch on a reality we all face.

Always there is 'tomorrow' - and courage does it's part to get us there. Though trite, when Scarlett O'Hara said on the brink of divorce, "Tomorrow is another day" she was quite right in her awareness that time does bring the hope of restoration and healing.

Best to you 'til next Thursday...

Sunrise in Winter by Sarah Tun

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.

See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

Forgiveness - Part 4

Why Forgive?

Forgiveness isn't something that comes easily and it doesn't change the past. So why forgive? Doesn't it let off the person who has done you wrong?

One way to define forgiveness... as defined on an Oprah Winfrey episode, "Giving up the hope that the past could have been any different."

When we think about our pasts, are there any things we wish we could change? Is there any one we blame for the way things are now?

Recognizing our own lack of forgiveness is the start to freeing ourselves from past circumstances we cannot change.

One of the worst moments in my life was something I've alluded to in the headline under the title of this Blog:
My parents disowned me - rejected me at thirty - because I remembered our family history quite differently from how they remembered it. Their rejection hit me like a brick to the side of my head. But I guess it isn't in my DNA to hold a grudge. To be honest, once I got over the shock that they didn't want to see me, life became a little easier... I focused forward and managed the usual life challenges that came along without looking over my shoulder to see who in my family I was disappointing. Of course I would have preferred relationship, but the dysfunction in ours was pretty hampering, so it was a relief to avoid, at least at first. I'm pretty pragmatic.

Then my dad died, suddenly and without warning. He had an aneurysm - he passed out and never regained consciousness. My mother telephoned me to notify me of his funeral. It had been fourteen months since I'd spoken to her. He and I were never reconciled and I grieve that to this day, although the relationship between us was always strained and cool. I suppose the past I grieve more is the lack of relationship, rather than the broken one.

My dad was always distant, and the moments I remember most vividly were moments when he showed affection to our cat and when he showed distrust towards me. Once, when I was nine, the boy next door broke our basement window. When my dad heard the noise he came outside and asked what had happened. I tried to explain to my dad in some detail, but the boy said I'd done the deed and my father believed him. I never held a grudge, but I certainly cried. And it created a deep wound that lasted into my adulthood.

How is it that some people feel hurt and others bitter at injustice? Some of us internalize assault and others lash out, I guess. Or perhaps it just doesn't occur to some of us that we can be anything but a victim, while others harden to their pain and to the one they believe has wronged them. For me, I think it is the compassion I learned when bullied as a child at school that has helped me to understand that all of us are wounded and broken (I had no compassion for my assailants at the time, but plenty for other people who were isolated or unaccepted). I could see the goodness in my father, even if it was pointed at others rather than at me, and in adulthood I excused his lack of emotional warmth as the result of his own damage caused by the war (he was a WWII fighter pilot). For me, forgiveness in these things was never an issue, because I was engrossed in my own pain,trying to survive the shame and low self esteem, so there was no attention on blaming or resenting my father.

I would like to say that I feel deeply as I write this, but I don't. There is regret at what might have been if my father were emotionally available to me, but I'm aware he wasn't  emotionally available to anyone - it wasn't the era for it and even if it were, he suffered post traumatic stress before they had a label for it - and that is something he couldn't change even if he wanted to. In fact, I can't say whether he would have wanted to change anything or not; I didn't know him well enough. But the fact that he couldn't be emotionally whole or available protects me from feeling responsible or hopeful, so perhaps that's why I bear no lack of forgiveness.

And it is because of forgiveness - a total lack of resentment - that I can say he was a good man. He wasn't a good father but I can separate his qualities as a person from his treatment toward me. Facts and detachment may not be as good as relationship, but they are better than blame or harshness.

I forgive my dad for his shortcomings. I forgive my mother for hers. I hope I'll be forgiven for mine by my son in years to come. But the key for me has been to look upon any other person as flawed just as I am, and to avoid building my expectations. In that way I avoid burdening others, avoid my own disappointment and overcome any temptation to hold onto hostility, bitterness or bitterness.

As I bid farewell until next week, I leave you with a pic of my dad - a highly intelligent, deeply wounded man who never had the opportunity that I have had to overcome the past.

Best to you until next Thursday.

Dad

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.

See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

Forgiveness - Part 3

I'm finding this week's post to be most difficult to write, because it draws from responses to last week's that have got me to thinking...

First, I wrote Forgiveness - Part 2 in response to interplay at home (hubby, son and me) that same evening.

Note-to-Self # 1: Give self time between an event and writing, time to process, before writing a blog post (I usually do).

Second, it seems to some (my hubby for one) that I conveyed a belief that all of my son's effervescent displays of affection are self centered or manipulative. However, this isn't what I believe and therefore it wasn't what I intended to convey. Going through the post again, I'm taking a guess at where this notion could have been picked up:

from last week's blog:
"My son is affectionate. It is lovely when he comes to me and says, "I love you Mummy," and spontaneously gives me a hug. But love is not a fuzzy feeling we express when we feel good about ourselves or another person..."

Note-to-Self # 2: Make sure every word needed to convey quite what you mean is included. Instead, I'd like that paragraph now to read: "My son is affectionate. It is lovely when he comes to me and says, "I love you Mummy," and spontaneously gives me a hug. But love is not (only) a fuzzy feeling we express when we feel good about ourselves or another person..." I expect there are other parts to Part 2 that could be amended for clarity's sake, but I'll let it stand because it's a lesson to me to post only once I've had time to process... but now I'm at risk of talking in circles.

A third element that has arisen from last week's post is the idea of forgiving one's children. Is there anything to forgive of a 'blank slate', who is learning and growing (particularly from you!), desperate to please and often making mistakes - not because of lack of desire but rather, a lack of experience or sophistication? In one sense, I think not. Children learn to take responsibility but it is a process. But in another sense I do think it applies. First I'll explain by way of definition:

Note-to-Self # 3: Define words that may have different connotations to different people.

So, what do I mean by forgiveness? For me, forgiveness is accepting the limitations of another person and applying that acceptance to a particular situation.  If I am hurt by another person's conduct, when I choose to forgive them, I do not hold a grudge, become bitter or demand apology, and the fundamental relationship - whatever that was - remains in tact.

Forgiveness doesn't remove consequences for poor behaviour. But whatever consequences may result from a mistake made, that is separate from the relationship itself. Forgiveness also gives me freedom from the negativity that bitterness or unfulfilled expectation brings with it. It doesn't mean I ignore if someone has been deliberately nasty; that is rather an issue of trust and consequence. But it does mean I accept them for who they are. I will have gained wisdom and insight from the experience, and I allow my wounds to heal, not holding them over another person.

So, going back to the initial experience with my son last week, I realize he does sometimes hurt my feelings. Is it ideal that I may sometimes feel hurt by him? Perhaps I'm simply too close to him and so, when he misbehaves toward me, there is some room for him to hurt my feelings. To me, that's probably a bit of a red flag, and I'm practicing detachment because I want to enable my son to grow to be his own person. I am, by far, too much a reactor rather than a responder, and detachment will help me to improve at responding. But I take this notion of hurt feelings as quite separate from forgiveness anyway. If to forgive is to accept limitations, then our children, of all people, require the most.

As I write this post and compose on the topic of forgiveness, I'm aware - as anyone is - that forgiveness is a huge subject. There are so many situations, permutations, that any post will be an over-simplification. In 'the good book', when Peter asks Jesus how many times should he forgive... '7 times?' Jesus replies, '7x7 times', his point being, I think, keep forgiving. So it is in parenting, in marriage, in partnership, in any relationship.

As this post has been chiefly about defining and clarifying, I guess it's also for me to ask forgiveness. I hope you'll forgive me for making a clumsy blunder from time to time, or being ambiguous, or disagreeable. It is not my intention to alarm or offend but to share and to dialogue. I wonder, How do you define Forgiveness?

Cheerio to you 'til next week!

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.

See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

Forgiveness - Part 2

My husband said to our 9 year old son, "You take away other people's happiness," and it's true.
I hadn't realized it until he'd said it, but our son robs others (including me!) of peace and just a general sense of ease and comfort, which I call 'happiness', whenever his mood chooses to do so.

He has a tendency to care very much for a few people and for the rest, he'll reject their overtures of friendship or kindness toward him with disdain, and sometimes even thinks its a joke to do so. I've observed this in him and encouraged him to correct it on different occasions. But until my husband spoke his observation, I hadn't put the two things together.

While I've been quite concerned that this child's temper flairs up with me, I've thought that as he is overly-sensitive and easily discouraged, I gave him room emotionally. But I realize now that the behaviour often has much more to do about sharing his misery so I can feel just as miserable, than his actual discomfort or suffering. Sometimes he does it as an act and thinks it's funny to pretend he's "a little bit annoyed" as a ruse. Act or genuine, I've had quite enough of it.

Which is where forgiveness comes in.

I think mothers, by definition, are concerned they're doing right by their children. Don't we sometimes replay moments with our kids in our minds, and think, "did I do that right?"? We don't want to be unkind, discouraging or unfair. Sometimes that's to the detriment of ourselves.

Realizing my son's been playing me for a fool has made me sad, cross and on the brink of spiteful. I consider the idea of telling him off, or of revoking all pleasures and privileges until he starts to treat other people (starting with me!) with respect and kindness. I think, 'If he treats his mother this way, how will he treat a girlfriend or wife?' and that makes me shudder.

My son is affectionate. It is lovely when he comes to me and says, "I love you Mummy," and spontaneously gives me a hug. But love is not a fuzzy feeling we express when we feel good about ourselves or another person. Love isn't a word we say to make someone else express the warm fuzzy feeling back to us. Love is deeply caring for another as much as (or more than) we care for ourselves.

I know my son loves me. I'm his mother and it's natural that he loves me. But I realize some of his expressions of love have not been sincere at all. I realize that sometimes he shows me affection because it makes him feel good and at least possibly, has nothing to do with me at all. And that hurts. Because whenever I am affectionate toward him, love is pouring out of me toward him that is deep, committed and assuring.

But of course he's 9. He isn't capable of understanding the many layers and permutations of love the way an adult can, though he's going to have to learn or else pity the girl friend or wife. And pity me a little for that matter, because I want our relationship to grow and last into the many years to come.

Now, how do I contribute to his education in this matter? How do I show him (because telling him seems to have no value whatsoever) that love is far more than an expression of affection. How do I teach him he's got to respect and value all others, whether they have something he respects and values or not?

First, getting angry or getting even, however subtle I might do it, isn't going to make him respect me or love me. Imploring isn't going to work either, and trying to control his behaviour won't teach his heart about love. Consequence will help but that isn't enough; I know that B (something he wants to do) must not occur before A (something he must do) happens... thanks for the wonderful book full of sound advice, Kevin Lehman. Your "Have a New Kid By Friday" is a treasure of sound advice.

But what must happen first for our relationship to improve and for our mutual love to deepen, blossom and grow, I believe, is forgiveness. I must forgive him for manipulating me (and forgive myself for my part in allowing him to do so - see previous post!), for taking my happiness many, many times, and love him in spite of his shortcomings.

It's not difficult for me to love my son. I'm discovering there are things about him I don't like, and I'm realizing some truths I am disappointed about, but I deeply love him. Finding the balance between firm parenting and building relationship is something that's difficult for me. I'm a natural verbal communicator, but in this case I'm not going to use words to teach my son about love and respect. And I'm not going to go into reaction mode, tail spinning into punishing him for being manipulative (and I realize that, in main measure, he doesn't even know he's doing it). So how do I deal with his attitude toward me and others? I start by forgiving him. When I've done that fully, I'll be able to see clearly the next step, and I'll let you know how it goes.

Until next Thursday, may your love be available, your lessons few and your forgiveness abounding.

J and Me by Sarah Tun

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.

See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

Forgiveness: Part 1

New Series! Forgiveness...

I remember sitting alone on my living room carpet once, about twenty years ago, and mentally beating myself up for a mistake I'd made. I wondered then, how long would I do that before I'd let the issue go? I'd made a poor decision and realized too late to change directions. No one was hurt except me.
I gradually realized that I'd made a decision based on the information I knew at the time; it was insufficient information and I'd done the best I could with what I had. I realized too, if others could forgive me for my shortcomings, I could learn to forgive myself too. That was the last time (of many that preceded it) that I would pity, berate or criticize myself for making a poor decision.

This is New Year. Many of us might make New Year's Resolutions. Often those resolutions get put aside before February rolls in. Will you forgive yourself if you fail to keep your resolution? Daily we make decisions, small and great, that take us in new directions. Will you forgive yourself the next time you make a poor choice?

As it's New Year and my chosen topic for a new series is Forgiveness, I have a suggestion to make - a new approach to a blog post. Here it is: write down your private list of things you'd like to forgive in yourself. Anything can be on that list. It can include things you've done, things you've forgotten to do, neglected to do, refused to do. It can include mistakes or oversights you've made, slights you've made (deliberately or not) toward others. Take your time; the rest of the post will wait...

That done?

Now, will you literally squash, tear or in some other way, destroy the list?

Once the list is gone read on...

Which item or items from the list come to mind now? No need to wrack your brain. If you've forgotten the items, that's fine! If not, I suggest next to write down those few that you remember. Then, as you look at each item one by one, ask yourself, "What is it that I am not forgiving myself for?" You can keep it very simple, being as specific as possible.

Choose one of the items that you remember and determine to forgive yourself for that tendency, habit, oversight, action. You might even say out loud to yourself, "I forgive myself for..."

Forgiveness is a gift every one of us needs.

And any thoughts and comments you might have about this post or your experience, are so welcome!


Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.

See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

Mid Life Crisis - Part 5

      e
Br k n es
   o    n   s:

There is a story in the Bible, which I happen to believe is a piece of human history, about a woman who broke open a jar of expensive perfume and poured it, along with her tears and her hair, over the feet of Jesus shortly before he was arrested, tried, crucified. It is believed she was demonstrating her gratitude to him. I'm nowhere near as generous as that woman, but I believe I have an inkling of what her level of brokenness feels like.

Over the past month, there have been times when I've felt numb. Weighed down by a loss of expectation, I seemed sentenced to inertia. I have felt the weight of uselessness, purposelessness, hopelessness. The woman who cried over Jesus' feet transformed her brokenness into a generous demonstration of thankfulness at his mercy and forgiveness. For me, brokenness came from realizing there is nothing I can do to make a difference in this world, nothing I can give that is needed in the greater scheme of things, nothing I have to offer that is needed on a grand scale. My brokenness has been all about me. While she demonstrated humility and grace, I have wrestled with vanity and pride.

And yet, time has taken me past myself. The inevitable has happened: I've discovered my limitations, and by discovering the futility of my efforts, I've been given a gift. Coming to the end of myself, I've discovered, is hugely freeing!

When we carry responsibility, capability and opportunity on our shoulders, we are delighted with the strength and self-sufficiency we feel. But if these things are ripped or stripped away and our powerlessness is exposed, our abilities are called into question, and our pride is wounded. When all of our vulnerabilities are exposed, we've nothing left but to feel broken. Brokenness is that state where there is nowhere to hide and nothing left to lose. If pride is the excuse we hide behind to avoid admitting failure, then brokenness is the inability to deny failure. Without a place to hide, there is no shame. Once we hit rock bottom, there really is nowhere to go but up!

At rock bottom we discover our identity and become free to explore.

This is the Christmas Season, a time for joy, love, laughter, sharing and giving. So, to you I want to share the discovery I've made - the gift I've received - which is that, in being utterly and completely broken of any sense of efficiency, confidence, purpose or use, I've realized I am unburdened, unshackled and reborn. I don't know where I'm going, but I don't have to force anything. There may be joy, love, laughter ahead. There may not be. But I've discovered there's peace in accepting where I am, rather than speeding ahead to where I think I ought to be. And in that, I've received a gift I never expected. I've known for a long time there's nothing I have to do or be to be acceptable; I am acceptable. But now I also know, there's nothing I can do or be that is acceptable. Relinquishing any hope I'd make a meaningful contribution to society has taken a huge burden from me. Now, life will unfold as it should, and although I don't know how it will unfold, I'm open to surprises.... perhaps more open than I've been for a long time...

Water Flow by Sarah Tun

So, come on 2014... I'm looking to let the future wash over me. And rather than pushing through the waves, I hope to roll, toss and float to discover how the future will unveil itself.

Merry Christmas to all, and I'll be back here on Boxing Day! Best wishes.

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
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