First, I wrote Forgiveness - Part 2 in response to interplay at home (hubby, son and me) that same evening.
Note-to-Self # 1: Give self time between an event and writing, time to process, before writing a blog post (I usually do).
Second, it seems to some (my hubby for one) that I conveyed a belief that all of my son's effervescent displays of affection are self centered or manipulative. However, this isn't what I believe and therefore it wasn't what I intended to convey. Going through the post again, I'm taking a guess at where this notion could have been picked up:
from last week's blog:
"My son is affectionate. It is lovely when he comes to me and says, "I love you Mummy," and spontaneously gives me a hug. But love is not a fuzzy feeling we express when we feel good about ourselves or another person..."
Note-to-Self # 2: Make sure every word needed to convey quite what you mean is included. Instead, I'd like that paragraph now to read: "My son is affectionate. It is lovely when he comes to me and says, "I love you Mummy," and spontaneously gives me a hug. But love is not (only) a fuzzy feeling we express when we feel good about ourselves or another person..." I expect there are other parts to Part 2 that could be amended for clarity's sake, but I'll let it stand because it's a lesson to me to post only once I've had time to process... but now I'm at risk of talking in circles.
A third element that has arisen from last week's post is the idea of forgiving one's children. Is there anything to forgive of a 'blank slate', who is learning and growing (particularly from you!), desperate to please and often making mistakes - not because of lack of desire but rather, a lack of experience or sophistication? In one sense, I think not. Children learn to take responsibility but it is a process. But in another sense I do think it applies. First I'll explain by way of definition:
Note-to-Self # 3: Define words that may have different connotations to different people.
So, what do I mean by forgiveness? For me, forgiveness is accepting the limitations of another person and applying that acceptance to a particular situation. If I am hurt by another person's conduct, when I choose to forgive them, I do not hold a grudge, become bitter or demand apology, and the fundamental relationship - whatever that was - remains in tact.
Forgiveness doesn't remove consequences for poor behaviour. But whatever consequences may result from a mistake made, that is separate from the relationship itself. Forgiveness also gives me freedom from the negativity that bitterness or unfulfilled expectation brings with it. It doesn't mean I ignore if someone has been deliberately nasty; that is rather an issue of trust and consequence. But it does mean I accept them for who they are. I will have gained wisdom and insight from the experience, and I allow my wounds to heal, not holding them over another person.
So, going back to the initial experience with my son last week, I realize he does sometimes hurt my feelings. Is it ideal that I may sometimes feel hurt by him? Perhaps I'm simply too close to him and so, when he misbehaves toward me, there is some room for him to hurt my feelings. To me, that's probably a bit of a red flag, and I'm practicing detachment because I want to enable my son to grow to be his own person. I am, by far, too much a reactor rather than a responder, and detachment will help me to improve at responding. But I take this notion of hurt feelings as quite separate from forgiveness anyway. If to forgive is to accept limitations, then our children, of all people, require the most.
As I write this post and compose on the topic of forgiveness, I'm aware - as anyone is - that forgiveness is a huge subject. There are so many situations, permutations, that any post will be an over-simplification. In 'the good book', when Peter asks Jesus how many times should he forgive... '7 times?' Jesus replies, '7x7 times', his point being, I think, keep forgiving. So it is in parenting, in marriage, in partnership, in any relationship.
As this post has been chiefly about defining and clarifying, I guess it's also for me to ask forgiveness. I hope you'll forgive me for making a clumsy blunder from time to time, or being ambiguous, or disagreeable. It is not my intention to alarm or offend but to share and to dialogue. I wonder, How do you define Forgiveness?
Cheerio to you 'til next week!
Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:
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6 comments:
It's so pertinent that you should write this today Sarah. An incident happened in my home this morning was upsetting for all concerned. My young daughter was throwing a tantrum as I was trying to help her dress, and she kicked me in the face resulting in a painful nosebleed. I was so upset I smacked her leg. I immediately felt guilty for my knee-jerk reaction to her actions, since two wrongs don't make a right and I should have known better than to get my head in the way as she kicked (since she so often does). I began to cry through my own guilt (and pain), and as she saw my weakness she began to exaggerate her own discomfort at having been smacked. Although we both apologized to each other for the obvious hurt caused to both parties, I still can't process what happened and whether my admission of guilt was meaningful to her in a useful way or whether it only served to worsen the situation. I feel like a terrible parent at such times.
Can I just add that I'm sure all your readers appreciate you sharing your innermost thoughts as you do, and thus giving us confidence to reciprocate. Don't give yourself such a hard time!!
Hi Sarah, I don't think you have to ask forgiveness for what you've written when it hasn't hurt anyone. If we don't perfectly understand each other & what we write, then that's what is so great about blogging and commenting: we can clarify and confirm and stretch our thinking -- iron sharpening iron, as it were.
For me, forgiveness is a choice not to hold the other person under our judgment for the things he/she has done. Now, depending on the situation there may need to be consequences, or ending of the relationship, or legal ramifications, or anything in between -- but WE choose not to place the person under our judgment. We let him/her off OUR hook; we no longer judge how he/she deserves to be punished.
We both know just how deeply in-depth forgiveness truly can be when really searched. When I first began reading what you speak, I started my comment which turned into about six pages; therefore to not offend or take to much space, I leave a truth for readers to decide on for themselves.
The Meaning of Love and Forgiveness to God goes far beyond words because it is a commanded Christ like love for others that without - God our Father cannot be known in spirit and truth. http://godsunknownmessengerr.webs.com/love-and-foregiveness
Hi Anonymous,
Thank you for your honesty. It is not easy being a parent - we want to do our best but we aren't perfect, and sometimes don't measure up to our own desires(see forgiveness part 1 re forgiving ourselves!). It sounds like your little girl receives a lot of love, though perhaps isn't quite able to understand how to receive it. You are clearly tender and patient with her, and so you are modeling love, which she will pick up. Perhaps at a moment when you two are having a quiet time together, you can talk to her and tell her how much the nose bleed hurt, even though it was an accident. I think it was last week that 'Clare' mentioned how valuable it is for our children to see we are vulnerable too. Thanks for writing. I hope you will again.
Well defined, Jeannie! Judgment is a killer to relationship and it doesn't do us any good either.
Dear Timesoftrouble, So glad you've joined in the discussion. Indeed, God's forgiveness for our imperfections is incredible. As I think of my weaknesses, it is impossible for me to judge another person for theirs. I'm sure your story is an amazing one and thank you for joining yours with mine right here!
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