Security - Part 4

From Insecurity to Security

I've decided to re-post this series as a series about Security (as opposed to insecurity) - because it is my goal to encourage us all to walk in security... In security, we walk in the confidence that we are lovable and loved for who we are. Insecurity, on the other hand, is not having that sense of inner confidence.

To my mind, the pathway to absolute security comes from receiving unconditional love - love that loves no matter what shortcomings may be exposed. While I happen to believe we have a creator that made us, knows us and loves each one of us, some people may not want to look at that. So, I'm going to make a jump and look at what loving myself - unconditionally - looks like.

First, from my book, FREE to BE: Defeating Insecurity, Transforming Relationships, Building Character:
One afternoon, while sitting on my living room carpet, I was mentally beating myself up for having made a bad decision. It was habit for me to berate myself for days, or weeks, or even months, whenever I perceived I had made a mistake.  What triggered this occasion was a decision I’d made to decline a job offer.  I came to realize too late that I had turned away a blessing offered and missed a golden opportunity.  So, upon recognizing my "mistake", I began my usual lengthy emotional spiral into self-criticism and self-doubt, with an added touch of self-pity.

These interludes of self-torture will be familiar to anyone who tends to expect perfection.  In hindsight I see that it was a sign of pride.  I was surprised by my failure because I was over-confident about making decisions.  I fell short of my aspirations because I tried to prove myself and left God out of the equation.  Now by punishing myself for the decision I was still leaving God out of the picture.

When I first realized my mistake I was devastated.  I felt shame, regret and sorrow; I had worked hard only to miss an opportunity that had sprung from my effort and my prayer.  There is everything right with diligence, hard work and optimism.  However, my motive had been purely self-centred.  I suggest that to wrap our identity in achievement and to hope for success to the extent that our self-image and emotions hang on the result is prideful.  (It is also an example of acceptance-by-doing rather than of grace-by-being.) 

To know and to accept who I am, exclusive of result, is a new aim.  I have learned that my willing attitude and availability matters to God, and to leave the result up to Him.  This has taught me to be kinder to myself, to accept myself as I am today and to surrender that "self" to the Lord for His pruning. It has taken humility for me to accept my limitations, but in doing so, I have also become better at forgiving myself, and ironically, I have become a more capable person.  Learning to forgive myself has given me new freedom which has enabled me to think more clearly and to execute with more certainty. ((c) 2012, in conjunction with Essence Publishing, Belleville, ON Canada; Chapter 12)

I have learned to accept myself, with my weaknesses as well as my strengths. That's part of what unconditional love looks like. And in the journey to practicing self-acceptance guess what's happened? I've become much more accepting of others. Once I learned how to love myself, I was far less stingy with others.

So, in a nutshell, security hasn't come from capability and success but from knowing myself and accepting myself, warts and all.

Before signing off for this week, I'd like to notify you that soon - perhaps by the end of April - I will be moving my blog posting onto my updated website, www.laruspress.com (currently under reconstruction). This means the look of the blog will be different and how it's packaged will be too. BUT I will still send you a link through Google+. Or you'll be able to travel there at will and explore under blogs a lot of different channels for posts. Also, I'll be keeping sarahtunexaminelife.blogspot.com alive for a while, though there won't be any new posts there, once the website is up and running.

Hope you have a wonderful week.... 

You can purchase your copy of FREE to BE directly from Sarah or from Amazon.com (see www.freetobelaruspress.wordpress.com/get-the-book/ )

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.

See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

Security - Part 3

What is Unconditional Love?

Are you, like me, the sort of person who is sensitive to what others think or feel toward you? Sensitivity to others is a gift, so long as what they think doesn't impact your own sense of self worth. While it is valuable to be aware of others' attitudes, if our identity comes from what others think of us rather than what we know of ourselves, our own self-image can be quite shaken or damaged by another's disapproval.

Children love to please. And if they are pleasing to a parent, they will learn to feel good about themselves. The only problem with this is, what if they are not pleasing to a parent (or later to a teacher, relative, or friend)? From the very beginning of our lives, if we know we are loved "no matter what," we will begin to build a self image that is confident and secure. Knowing we are loved unconditionally, rather than based on our behaviour, success, or appearance, is at the root of our emotional security.

Learning to love unconditionally is a start to learning to receive unconditional love... Or is it the other way around?

I don't believe, personally, that there is anyone on planet earth today who is perfect. Lots of people are very nice, kind or at least well-intended. There are a lot of very smart people and very creative ones too - Leonardo da Vinci happened to be both! And a lot of people try very hard to make their mark in the world. For some, that's raising children, for others it means inventing something or making a lot of money. But what we do doesn't make us who we are.

When we are content with who we are, then we have peace of mind - in spite of circumstances around us.

Who of us doesn't want to be loved, not for what we do or achieve, but for who we are inside? Because deep down, we all must know that, if the money or fame or success goes away, will there be anyone cheering us on anyway, loving us and supporting us, regardless of our situation?

Security is knowing I am loved, unconditionally, for who I am. Security is accepting myself as I am, and aiming to be consistent, integral to who I am, even if someone else might disapprove. It isn't licence to be anything but the best we can be at patience, love, kindness, gentleness, self-control. But it isn't reprimand or shame when we aren't as good as we (or someone else) expect ourselves to be.

If you're familiar with the film, LOVE STORY you'll remember the classic line, 'Love means never having to say you're sorry.' Or if you've read enough PEANUTS cartoons you'll recall Lucy's "Psychologist is In" sign or Snoopy's placard that begins with: "Love Is..." We all have a take on what love is.

I think, "Love is... Unconditional". Real love doesn't stop if we don't achieve or fulfill expectations or behave perfectly. Real love is hard to find - and hard to practice. There are some relationships where love never fails, never gives up, wants only what's best for us. And when we have a taste of a relationship like that, we feel, believe and know we are loved. There is where our security truly lies.

We can find that sort of love in ourselves, in God, in parents, in partners, in friends.

To the extent I have experienced unconditional love, I've felt safe, secure, relieved. To the extent I've felt judged, even condemned, I've had to draw on the resource of unconditional love to help me through loneliness, disappointment, or self-berating. I've learned to recognize another's approval or their disapproval and not let it shake my self-concept as a person who is doing her best, always seeking to grow, love and learn more about life, joy and peace.

Although I've felt love and the pain of rejection, although I've fallen and picked myself up, my consistent resource for unconditional love is God, and He's never let me down.

Food for thought, 'til next time... 


Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.


See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

Insecurity - Part 1

WHAT DO I MEAN BY INSECURITY?

Some fear is good, some fear is bad... If you're in the woods and it's getting dark and you hear coyotes howling, or you're in the bush and hear lions roaring, perhaps it's an occasion for healthy fear! On the other hand, if you are attending your high school reunion and you're worried that old friends may scrutinize you and find you of lesser value than they are, or you are dating someone whom you are trying to impress and are afraid s/he won't accept you just as you are, then you are demonstrating signs of insecurity.

Insecurity is based in fear. When we feel insecure, it is because we are afraid we won't get approval.

I'm the sort of person who is acutely conscious of other people's moods; I used to be afraid that, if those moods were negative, they were somehow linked to me. I am also sensitive; so in the past, I was generally emotionally on edge, based on the fear that I wasn't accepted or loved unconditionally. 

As a young person, I was incredibly insecure. I tapped into other people's negative feelings, and quite naturally took responsibility for them -- feeling as though I was at fault somehow. I'm sure contributing factors were that I didn't feel I fit in at home, or  that for 3 years I was bullied in elementary school, but for whatever reason, there was inside of me a longing for acceptance that I wasn't receiving in a way that I needed, and it controlled my attitude toward myself and my interactions with others well into adulthood.

I think what is common to all of us is that desire to be accepted and I think it's also common that, at one time or another, we don't feel we are accepted unconditionally, just for who we are.

But anything can produce a good outcome. What matters to me is the person I become, in spite of and because of my experiences, which includes adversity. I confess, I've had to work hard to stop being a slave to my own fear.... it took me years to break the habit of trying to project a perfect image on the one hand and feeling I was doomed to fail, on the other. A change in my thinking had to occur. Now, my attitude is no longer one of fear but of acceptance - of myself and of my circumstances. Now, I am enthusiastic, even in challenging relationships, knowing all experience is part of what shapes me into the person I was created to be. 

It seems to me worthwhile to write about the discoveries I've made during my journey to find security and inner confidence.

What do I mean by confidence? I mean that sense of inner peace and assurance that, in spite of shortcomings, I accept myself and live and relate from that place.

What do I mean by insecurity? I mean  that sense of discomfort and fear, because we're unsure that we're accepted, or even loved, for who we really are. 

When we value ourselves, we exude confidence and comfort that we may otherwise feel we have to earn.

Insecurity: In order to find the richness and hope that life has to offer, I have chosen to face mine and have learned to overcome. I look forward to sharing some of my journey with you. And I hope you'll feel drawn to share some of yours with me.

Until ... two week's time... I'll be back on Thursday 20th as I'm taking some family time (here in Canada it's March Break!).

Friends and Me at London Eye 

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.


See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.