"What really lies inside me?"
Do you ever ask yourself that question?
Are you conscious of every nuance within your heart? Have you acknowledged every yearning? And if you've plunged 'the depths of your soul', what have you found? A deep need, passion or ability yet untapped? If so, have you surrendered it or have you surrendered to it?
Do you ask yourself: "Are there still unresolved passions within me, for better or worse, that are unfulfilled?"
I wrestle with myself. On the one hand, I want desperately to tap into the spiritual chasm within me, to discover what I value the most. And yet, it's hard work to go that deeply into myself. I can't help feeling helpless as I do it; I'm driven, compelled to understand my inner world, and yet simultaneously, I fear it.
What is it that I'm afraid of? I don't know which is worse: the thought of dark passions that are heinous and harmful, or the possibility that there is nothing of significance within me. To be 'bad' or to be 'dull' are both undesirable.
Nevertheless, I do press on... Hungry for truth and aware that truth will set me free. I keep digging, searching, questing for who I am. Because deep within me - within all of us, I believe - is a golden core of creativity and energy that is invaluable. I was created for a significant purpose and I desire to find that purpose and fulfill it. And I admit, I hope the same for everyone.
I believe that we are a bundle of thoughts, feelings, ideas, impressions, creativity, and productivity. I believe we've been born with a purpose and we are naturally driven to discover and achieve it. And when we are engaged in activity that draws us toward our innate passion, we are closer to fulfillment.
I press on in my search for fulfillment. I yearn for it because in fulfillment I will find peace of mind. Peace of mind comes when the truth of my desires and my purpose are aligned. Peace of mind comes when the reason for my being is in harmony with my activity. Peace of mind comes when I know that what I am doing is precisely what I was put on the earth to do. There is satisfaction in that.
Still, as I am digging for that purpose, I am also apprehensive, wary and hesitant. What if I miss it? Or what if I find it and it is too difficult for me?
Pursuing, I am full of nervous energy, imagining myself perfectly aligned with my raison d'etre.
Like an archaeologist with only a pick and chisel, I chip away at the layers of my life, at the layers of my heart until the blood vessels are exposed. Then I find relief because the light pours in and exposes those hidden things and the discovery sets me free.
When the dig is complete, the light of self-knowledge, hope, love and revelation will bring me to myself.
And in my mind I will have peace!
Next time I'll share about peace within my heart. Until then, may you dig deep and experience great reward.
END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.
My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
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