Living in Free-fall Part 5: Surrender!

When the white flag is raised it's time to usher in the new season. Victory for one side means peace. So it is with us.

Surrendering our time, talents and tasks brings with it peace. Who's on the victor side? We who surrender. How's that? Because the two forces at odds have both been aspects of ourselves. When the WILL gives in to the HEART, synergy begins and life takes on a new dynamic and a new perspective. That's what I think, anyway.

Years ago I worked as an actress. I was up for a part I wanted very much. The director had narrowed it down to me or one other woman. He wrestled for a while, and after a few days he called me to say he'd made his decision. He followed his heart rather than his head - and chose the other woman. Rats! But I couldn't argue. Weeks later I went to see the play. The actress hired did a decent job. Of course, I would have chosen me. And I didn't find her performance particularly awesome. But, I couldn't argue with the director's choice. I understood it. He went with gut instinct - rightly or wrongly - rather than with reasoning.

I've always been at odds with myself. As a young woman I let my heart rule my head and didn't do well on the romantic relationship track. But when I talk about surrender being about heart over will I'm not talking about romantic or passionate heart versus cool head.

When I refer to surrendering to our hearts, I mean - our hearts' desire (that which fulfills us) rather than our determined will (that which we think we want or need). Letting go is not easy for some of us. Order before chaos, sense before sensibility, reason before instinct. In my early romantic life I had plenty of will and this guided - even dictated - my decisions.

Now, I am letting go of my will. That means letting go of control. I surrender my plans. I surrender my people, even family, husband, child. I surrender my possessions and my position. I'm seeking to discover what's deep inside me. 'Heart' in this sense has nothing to do with romantic relationships; 'heart' has to do with my spirit, with who I have been created to be. Surrender means letting go of control over situations and relationships, and allowing room for 'what is meant to be'.

On my journey of free-fall, I'm learning to surrender my will to my spirit, every day, every hour. My will is feisty, opinionated, confrontational, close-minded. On the other hand, my spirit is at peace: still, quiet and at rest. This is a different way to live.

Allowing my heart to lead is risky for me. I feel more vulnerable. But then, I'm better placed to share on a deeper level with others.

A mega music star - I think it might be Bon Jovi - has said we can choose as artists to either reveal ourselves or to conceal. He's chosen to reveal and believes it is for this reason that his band is successful. Perhaps even more than what is in the heart, what touches people is the sharing of inner truth and vulnerability.

Let's see where surrender will take me.

Until next Thursday....

Arms outstretched: the ultimate posture of vulnerability, of letting go, of surrender. Free to Be offers steps to discover who you are, spiritually, emotionally, socially, and how to be the person you were created to be, free from anxiety, fear, insecurity and shame.
Free to Be website page






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END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for the Kingdom of God and the New Earth.

Living in Free-fall: New Year, New Direction. New Behaviour?

A Lifestyle in FREE-FALL:

I've always liked to be busy. Now I realize it's been a form of hiding - of hiding behind doing so that I don't feel too vulnerable or too useless.

Instead, I wonder: What's it like to live with less planning and more spontaneity?

I feel like I'm in free-fall right now. It is a new year and I'm full of desire to live differently, to live as though every moment has a purpose and not to miss its purpose because I'm busy with my own agenda.

I've never parachuted and I'm not interested in doing so. But I reckon I feel as one might feel after jumping out of a plane and falling; I'm floating, drifting in the air. It's the time before pulling the rip chord, safe in midair. That's what I feel like right now.

During this free-fall, I know I'm not going to die. But I've not got anything to hang onto.

I'd like to be able to live this way permanently.... not hanging onto being busy, but instead being available for what is to come.

I hope to live this way: to behave as though I'll land safely, but not to grip on to planning, organizing, volunteering, doing, as I usually do. Instead I'd rather float through time, waiting for what needs to be done at the perfect moment, and to be easy about the meanwhile. That's how I'd like to live from now on.

There's no New Year's Resolution for me. Instead there is a hope and desire to live differently; to abandon old patterns and to live as though today and tomorrow - time - will pass, and that if I release myself to live through time, I'll do the meaningful things life offers me and be available to those around me who need me.

A few years ago, a particular friend of mine died and I hadn't even known she was ill. I'd not seen her for a couple of years and even with internet we'd not been in touch for as long. When I heard the news she had died I was sad, shocked and I learned a valuable lesson from it that forever changed how I live in relation to people. I don't take opportunities to deepen a relationship for granted. I realize that such moments may not be repeated, so I don't let too much time pass, without keeping a friend informed, or without taking an opportunity to connect.

Just as I learned from that experienced and allowed myself to be changed by it, I hope I'll grow through this year's lesson: to live free of the busyness I've allowed to become a habit and a smokescreen for my inability to be vulnerable.

Welcome to 2015 - the year of living free! I've got no chute, I've got no plan, but plenty of ideas, aspirations and longings. May I surrender these, and wait to see what moments come without unnecessary busyness, and how they will lead me to fulfilled purpose.



END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.





My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Or subscribe to the Soaring Post free newsletter, with issues every Thursday.


See you again next Thursday for Part 2 of Living in Free-fall.

Mid Life Crisis - Part 5

      e
Br k n es
   o    n   s:

There is a story in the Bible, which I happen to believe is a piece of human history, about a woman who broke open a jar of expensive perfume and poured it, along with her tears and her hair, over the feet of Jesus shortly before he was arrested, tried, crucified. It is believed she was demonstrating her gratitude to him. I'm nowhere near as generous as that woman, but I believe I have an inkling of what her level of brokenness feels like.

Over the past month, there have been times when I've felt numb. Weighed down by a loss of expectation, I seemed sentenced to inertia. I have felt the weight of uselessness, purposelessness, hopelessness. The woman who cried over Jesus' feet transformed her brokenness into a generous demonstration of thankfulness at his mercy and forgiveness. For me, brokenness came from realizing there is nothing I can do to make a difference in this world, nothing I can give that is needed in the greater scheme of things, nothing I have to offer that is needed on a grand scale. My brokenness has been all about me. While she demonstrated humility and grace, I have wrestled with vanity and pride.

And yet, time has taken me past myself. The inevitable has happened: I've discovered my limitations, and by discovering the futility of my efforts, I've been given a gift. Coming to the end of myself, I've discovered, is hugely freeing!

When we carry responsibility, capability and opportunity on our shoulders, we are delighted with the strength and self-sufficiency we feel. But if these things are ripped or stripped away and our powerlessness is exposed, our abilities are called into question, and our pride is wounded. When all of our vulnerabilities are exposed, we've nothing left but to feel broken. Brokenness is that state where there is nowhere to hide and nothing left to lose. If pride is the excuse we hide behind to avoid admitting failure, then brokenness is the inability to deny failure. Without a place to hide, there is no shame. Once we hit rock bottom, there really is nowhere to go but up!

At rock bottom we discover our identity and become free to explore.

This is the Christmas Season, a time for joy, love, laughter, sharing and giving. So, to you I want to share the discovery I've made - the gift I've received - which is that, in being utterly and completely broken of any sense of efficiency, confidence, purpose or use, I've realized I am unburdened, unshackled and reborn. I don't know where I'm going, but I don't have to force anything. There may be joy, love, laughter ahead. There may not be. But I've discovered there's peace in accepting where I am, rather than speeding ahead to where I think I ought to be. And in that, I've received a gift I never expected. I've known for a long time there's nothing I have to do or be to be acceptable; I am acceptable. But now I also know, there's nothing I can do or be that is acceptable. Relinquishing any hope I'd make a meaningful contribution to society has taken a huge burden from me. Now, life will unfold as it should, and although I don't know how it will unfold, I'm open to surprises.... perhaps more open than I've been for a long time...

Water Flow by Sarah Tun

So, come on 2014... I'm looking to let the future wash over me. And rather than pushing through the waves, I hope to roll, toss and float to discover how the future will unveil itself.

Merry Christmas to all, and I'll be back here on Boxing Day! Best wishes.

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
Subscribe to our free newsletter, Soaring Post, with issues every Thursday to equip you for your spiritual walk.

See you next Thursday here at A Life Examined.

My "Perfect" Life - part 16

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..."

Do you remember your 'first love'? Is it a sweet remembrance as mine is? Tender are the years.

As far as I was concerned, B and I were going out exclusively for a few weeks before he surprised me by asking me to be his girlfriend. His asking me out officially was particularly memorable. It was a summer evening (probably in June) and we'd been hanging out with our group of friends since dinner - I used to ride to B's, or another friend's who lived near him. The boys tended to play pool in this guy's basement and the girls just hung around or a mixed bunch of us would play cards. I learned how to play a few games that summer... gin rummy, euchre, poker without gambling.

Anyway, B and I found ourselves outside, alone. It was dusk. It might have been as I was about to ride home and he may have followed me outside. I remember he asked me, "Do you want to go out with me?"
He sounded so sweet.

I laughed. I laughed because I was happy, I laughed because I was surprised (I thought we had been going out already!), I laughed because he looked so scared.

He thought I was laughing at him. I know because he said so.

Unlike what you find in 'rom com' movies, when situations inflate because of miscommunication at the beginning, and the rest of the movie is about restoring understanding, I quickly said, "Yes," which seemed to resolve the situation to B's satisfaction. I don't think we kissed (it would have been our first) - how can I not remember for sure!!?? And then I cycled home, I guess.

The moment I remember well is his asking me. The other details are a blur. And what is important to me in the present is the fond memory of being liked and pursued, sincerely and in vulnerability. B made himself very vulnerable to me, and I appreciate that even now.

Next time I'll write about the 'big move' that would be the inevitable end to our budding romance. See you Thursday... like every Thursday.

Budding Hearts

I