Forgiveness - Part 7

My mother died about 5 years ago. I loved her. And she loved me, though she had a hard time forgiving me for some of our differences.

We had differences, particularly in perspective. One of the main differences between us was our attitude to forgiveness.

For some reason, although I've always been extremely sensitive to emotional hurt, I've been consistently forgiving toward whomever instigates it. I guess I'm so aware of my own shortcomings that I find it too much to hold a grudge against someone else for theirs. Instead, I seem to have a habit of putting myself in the other person's position and am able to identify, even if only a little, with their point of view. Some might say I make excuses for other people; I like to think I have a measure of empathy.

Not so my mother.

I wouldn't say my mother was vengeful or spiteful, but she could hold a grudge, particularly if someone hurt or treated badly one of her own. I remember as a young teen I had a part time job at a local store, and when I was let go because the owners didn't want to take the time to train me, my mother felt I was unjustly treated and vowed never to go back to that store. As far as I  know, she never did.

So when we had a falling out ourselves twenty-five years ago, there was a lot of shouting and accusation on her part, and there never was full reconciliation. She died with bitter words on her lips, though she arranged that a beautiful letter she wrote be posted to me posthumously, one that I will treasure forever.

Why do mothers and daughters have issues? I hold no expectation that our relationship was unique. In fact, I wonder if it isn't more unique to see mother/daughter relationships that have grown into friendship as the child grows into a woman. Mothers pour so much into their children and yet so often mothers and daughters have a lot of friction between them.

I think the key is expectation.

I watched my sister experience my mother's nagging and criticism, for homework not done or a lazy attitude. My sister was very brainy without lifting a textbook. My sister was the elder, and so my mother heaped expectation and responsibility upon her that she didn't put upon me. And yet, my sister and my mother ended up to be much closer than my mother and I. I think what lay the foundation was that I was oblivious to expectation, whereas my sister was fully aware of it and, though passive-aggressive, she was ultimately compliant.

I believe mothers have a right to expect of their children obedience, respect and honour. I believe daughters have the need to be seen as separate entities from their mothers. And in a struggle for authority on the one hand and independence on the other, mothers and daughters might have a hard time finding a healthy balance in their relationship.

But it is possible. Fast forward to adulthood. When we can be vulnerable with one another, and honest, then there is room for rebuilding.

I remember once my mother was hurt and upset about someone or something external to our relationship. I offered to comfort her, but she said, "No, you are the daughter and I am the mother." How sad. I was a young adult and yet she could not allow herself to receive compassion from me.

When there is pride or bitterness or a lack of forgiveness within, there is a hardness of heart that affects our entire being. Ultimately, doesn't it affect every relationship, putting us out of reach of love and gentleness?

I was not an easy daughter and in hindsight, I wish I had been. Now as a mother myself, I find it easy to forgive my mother for her flaws and mistakes as I make so many myself. But when I consider friends and relatives, some of whom have great family relationships and others not so much, I think the one thing I see in common with the healthier relationships is acceptance and forgiveness.

The last time I saw my mother, she was full of cancer and was not happy to see me. She poured out her disappointment toward me; I saw, for the first time, her competitiveness, her sarcasm and her criticism of me as I'd been growing up. I'm no hero, but in spite of her hostility toward me, I managed to keep cool and say to her repeatedly that I loved her. She couldn't receive it at the time but perhaps it struck a chord. A few weeks after her death, I received a letter wishing me the best life would have to offer.

There is no way of knowing how we will end our days. We can choose to make the most of the ones we have. For me, a key to achieving that is by loving, apologizing and forgiving.

Until next week... I hope all of your relationships will be full of honestly, courage and acceptance.

Mom with Grandson by Sarah Tun

Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:




END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.










My website for the Self Publishing House is www.LarusPress.com where I blog on wholeness, witness, the Word of God and worship & warfare. Larus Press offers Christian-based books, blogs and literature to inspire, encourage, equip and empower your living spirit.
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KEEP ON TRUCKIN'

keep on truckin'

What is perseverance? It's focusing on the job at hand and continuing when it isn't easy to do so.

I love red vehicles. But I never owned one until recently... now I own two. In the past, whenever I was going to buy a car, I wanted to choose red but for one reason or another, it never happened. Then finally, my husband said, 'get the red one even though it's more expensive'; so I did. I drive a small red SUV. He recently bought this lovely red truck. He wanted the truck and bought red for my benefit. He demonstrated something in all of this: if you really want something, it's worth having, so don't give up!

When I was a kid I was made to take piano lessons. Sure I would have liked to have been able to play well, but I did not. My older sister played brilliantly. My biggest mistake was quitting but my second biggest mistake was comparing myself to her.

Comparison is perhaps the worst enemy to achievement, because when we compare we aren't looking at the goal or even at our own progress but at someone else.

My young son is involved in competitive gymnastics. The program and coaching are excellent. One of the best things about the club is that the children on our team don't compare themselves with each other but rather the goal is for each kid to do his best. There are criteria, with set routines, so there is a standard to reach. Individual performances at competitions are scrupulously graded, and the best kids win. BUT while there are medal winners and those who don't win, each kid within the team is encouraged to progress based on what he can do if he works hard and tries hard and faces challenges with a good attitude. Improvement is what matters most to our coaches, and not the medals. In fact, the kids in our club are so secure in their environment that they did win quite a lot of 'stuff' at their competitions, but they did so without comparing to one another within their team, or looking at other athletes as though they are 'the competition'. I think all of life should be led like that!

Looking at someone's progress rather than our own is a killer to success. If I had focused at my own progress in piano, I might have enjoyed myself a lot more. More importantly, I would have stuck with it and although I would probably not have become a concert pianist I would have been able to play. I certainly have had many regrets because I quit when I was 12.

Sometimes quitting is common sense. But mostly, when we find ourselves in a situation that is hard work, it is an opportunity to grow in character by going forward, even if it's only one little step at at time. Just because something is uncomfortable or hard is not a reason to give up.

There is that saying, 'When the going gets tough, the tough get going.' Looking back over my choices, there are one or two things I wish I'd quit sooner because I wasted my time investing. But there are many more things I gave up on that I wish I'd persevered with. I have learned the hard way, that character is built through effort and experience. One challenge overcome always prepares us for the next. Life is hard, and facing challenges is inevitable. But the more character we've developed through our past experiences, the more we 'toughen up'. And as we grow stronger, the challenges become more demanding and therefore, more interesting. Giving up is a step toward the mundane; persevering is the pathway to adventure! That may not be the reason to keep going, but certainly it is incentive!

I plan to be here with a new post next week: Thursday 25th April.