How can anyone be afraid of success? Well, I have been.
I have worked hard most of my life. I'm a bit of a workaholic I suppose. Enjoying diligence, creative expression and doing my best to do my best, I don't mind how many hours I put in. But, while I love to achieve, I'm always held back by one thing: being in the spotlight.
I like to achieve in a craft. I have a work ethic that says, "Work hard, use your talents, enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done." I've always lived that ethic, I have the credentials and output to prove it.
But notoriety and worldly success have so far eluded me. And here's why...
I choke. I never quite get to the top.
First, I'm too modest. I find it difficult to promote myself, and get self-conscious when complemented. I guess I feel shy at the attention. I love it and I dread it. I have this tape inside my head that says, 'don't show how you really feel'. I am delighted by encouraging words. Yet, I tend to deflect compliments, thanking someone graciously, yet, rarely allowing myself to enjoy the experience of my work - or myself - being appreciated.
Where does this sabotage of joy come from? Who knows. It doesn't really matter. I value generous words but I don't fully receive them. And that causes an even bigger problem, which is that...
Second, every time I climb toward a major accomplishment, I can't quite get over the ridge. I don't quite let myself succeed.
There's a story in the Bible. 12 men are told to check out the Land of Milk and Honey that God has promised they will have. They go and spy on the land, which is inhabited. Then, they go back to Moses, their leader, to report on what they saw.
Two men are very excited. The land is, indeed, flowing with milk and honey - it's rich and luscious and very promising. The other ten men see the land but are seriously intimidated by the people who live there, the people who they'd have to conquer in order to gain the land.
I've always thought I was like one of the two men who saw the possibilities and did not shy away from the challenges. But now, I think I'm seeing myself as I really am. Perhaps I've always been like one of the ten. Although I'm disguised, wearing a cloak of courage to take a risk, I'm actually clothed in fear underneath, and never quite go for it all.
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| Contemplative Gull |
Right at this moment, I am at a precipice of decision. Shall I press forward in a particular aspect of my
work, or shall I draw back? Shall I soar, or hold back; right now I'm just thinking... I guess what I've always done in the past is to press forward in action but in heart, I've held back.
Now that I see this in myself, which choice will I make?
In the Bible story, the ten won the vote over the two, and the people waited 40 years before they got to the Promised Land. I'm not getting any younger. It seems to me, either I push forward 'for real' or I don't bother even to pretend.
What would you advise?
God bless... I remind you to have a look at the website for my publishing company, Larus Press: www.LarusPress.com. Have a look at the blogs... consider signing up for the free weekly newsletter, Soaring Post. Everything I write is to encourage others to discover their identity and purpose and to grow to be all God has created them to be. Larus Press seeks to inspire, encourage, equip, empower your living spirit.
Until next week....
Love and God bless to you this week. See you next Thursday... AND:
END NOTE: For those who haven't known me for long, and perhaps for some who have: You might enjoy my other blog:
Life from the Lighthouse -- all about what God shows me when He talks to me and I listen. New posts monthly on the 1st.
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4 comments:
Very insightful thoughts here, Sarah, esp about the ten men vs. the two men in the Bible passage. I pray God gives you (and all of us!) the courage to "go for it" when He's clearly calling you forth.
Indeed Jeannie, you and I share the same key for decision-making: what is God calling us to? Thanks for your comment.. I've missed you!
BTW: I won't be able to send emails to lists of folks now (Canadian laws prohibit). I hope folks who have been following as silent partners will choose to continue to follow by clicking the button that says to 'join this site'.
Sarah,
Your post reminds me of decisions I have to make nearly daily. I tend to be more "artistic" and intellectual but I have so many goals and many of them will require me to be more out in the public and confident.
Now I can picture my future because like you, I know my strengths and weaknesses-somewhat, yet when I am faced with a challenge to stand before others I falter and then whine about it later.
I notice this when it comes to speaking to others about Christ. For me it used to be terribly difficult, but now I have my own way of witnessing. Could be better though.
Anyway, I enjoyed this post. :)
Thanks for sharing Erica. Do you find it peculiar that we can know ourselves and our abilities inside and out, have confidence in our purpose and product, and yet, to talk about it can feel so awkward? Further, for those who know Christ, we find our passion for him is so significant and yet, at times, we hesitate to shine when we share about him. Confidence is a honed skill, just like our craft, and I've found that when I focus on God and on what He's placed on me and in me, rather than on myself or my product, it's a whole lot easier to share. Still, it is not always easy.... For me, deep breath time is just around the corner - again!
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